At 8:42pm tonight - technically tomorrow night but since I know I will not sleep, tonight, my dad died. I didn't feel a thing. I didn't know. I didn't have an intense feeling something was wrong. I went to bed with plans to wake up and have a great day with my babies and welcome dad and his friends back home after their Myrtle beach golfing trip.
Instead I was started awake just before 5am by my brother calling me. Dad's plane was missing. I still don't understand that sentence, how the hell could a plane be "missing" It didn't register at all. I've already written the details and that story down so many times - so no need to rehash. Suffice it to say, it simply made no sense. And still doesn't.
Five years later the pain isn't any less. The days drag by and I smile and am happy but there is always this part of me missing. This part of my boys' that is missing. This part of my mom, brother, family, that is MISSING. And no one can ever give it back. And it isn't going to get easier. Ever.
Death always impacts me. But for some reason there is no healing with my dad's death. I can't seem to find my way out of the darkness. Out of the nightmares that haunt me. Out of the sinking feeling that sits in my stomach anytime I want to surprise a loved one or I let my angels out of my sights. I just can't get past it. Because It DOESN'T make sense. No amount of talking or ignoring or any other thing that has been suggested to me makes a damn bit of difference. I freaking HATE this part of my life. Part of my Story. And it isn't ever going to go away. And after 5 years - it isn't ever going to get easier.
I can't remember to buy milk but I can remember every damn single word and move I made from 4:55am October 3rd to October 17th when I had to stand in front of hundreds of people and give a eulogy for my father. With my then 8 year old wanting held, I had to continue on and speak. And even that I regret. All the things I didn't say that I will never have the chance to go back and say. Whatever. Just another part of my damn story.
This blog was always for me. Somewhere safe for me to write my feelings. So I am. I float through these days hoping to not lose it. Because seriously, 5 years later, I really should be ok with this part of my story.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Thursday, February 26, 2015
You Just Never Know.
News can rock a small town. Any sort of negative news hits and the frenzy of "OMG did you know him??" "Did you hear?" Etc. It comes fast. The second word is out. Before it even hit the 6 o'clock news I had 17 texts messages from several people. Were my kids around him? Did I know? How could someone be so sick? The list is endless.
I considered this guy who is charged with things that I can't even begin to imagine anyone doing, a friend. I played softball with him - multiple times. He came to my Wooden Bat tournament I held in honor of my dad. He helped umpire, he volunteered his time. He was kind. I thought he had a good heart. But, he's sick. Literally sick. Because anyone that can do what he is accused, and admits to doing, is sick. There is something wrong. He admits he needs help. I don't think there is help out there.
He had daughters. How can he conceivably do something so horrid to other little girls. His family will suffer the wrath of of a small town. All at the hands of a sick man that seemed on the outside to have such a kind heart.
This is a very swift kick in the stomach reminder that there is never a reason to trust another human with my babies. Ever.
All of this on the heels of knowing one of the Plum teachers accused of multiple sexual encounters with students. Seriously - what is wrong with some people? You are 40 years old and looking at/wanting a teenager. There is no reason in the world for a man of that age to even want to be looking at, let alone sleeping with a GIRL that age. All these stupid ridiculous pornography sites that advertise "barely legal" etc. Men should be ashamed of themselves to be turned on by this. It's disgusting. I don't know what our world is coming to, but I really hope I can raise my three babies to be better men than that.
So much sadness and lost faith in humanity. Rumors of this stuff happening and no one had the guts to stand up and say it? So it could be stopped sooner. It's sick. It's Sad. And it is the world we live in.
I considered this guy who is charged with things that I can't even begin to imagine anyone doing, a friend. I played softball with him - multiple times. He came to my Wooden Bat tournament I held in honor of my dad. He helped umpire, he volunteered his time. He was kind. I thought he had a good heart. But, he's sick. Literally sick. Because anyone that can do what he is accused, and admits to doing, is sick. There is something wrong. He admits he needs help. I don't think there is help out there.
He had daughters. How can he conceivably do something so horrid to other little girls. His family will suffer the wrath of of a small town. All at the hands of a sick man that seemed on the outside to have such a kind heart.
This is a very swift kick in the stomach reminder that there is never a reason to trust another human with my babies. Ever.
All of this on the heels of knowing one of the Plum teachers accused of multiple sexual encounters with students. Seriously - what is wrong with some people? You are 40 years old and looking at/wanting a teenager. There is no reason in the world for a man of that age to even want to be looking at, let alone sleeping with a GIRL that age. All these stupid ridiculous pornography sites that advertise "barely legal" etc. Men should be ashamed of themselves to be turned on by this. It's disgusting. I don't know what our world is coming to, but I really hope I can raise my three babies to be better men than that.
So much sadness and lost faith in humanity. Rumors of this stuff happening and no one had the guts to stand up and say it? So it could be stopped sooner. It's sick. It's Sad. And it is the world we live in.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
The Mind of an Almost 11 Year Old
I wish I could read my son's mind. I really do. Last night was by far one of the most emotionally draining nights I have had in a very, very long time. I was trapped in a car with Logan for just over two hours on our way up to Indiana and back for his wrestling final weigh ins....I was excited about this time. I had figured out how to get him there, Lucas to hockey and Kaden taken care of. Some time with just Logan! That never happens....and I'm pretty sure I am going to try and avoid it happening again for a very long time. (It will, I'm just really not looking forward to more conversations such as this one)
Logan started out with "Mommy, do you think God made Pappy's plane crash because he had an important job for him in Heaven?"
Well Shit. Not the conversation I really wanted to have - I'm already doing all I can to keep my head above water in the depression area, don't really want to be doing this conversation....but he's a kid. And if it is confusing for me still, I can only imagine how it goes in his mind.
So, I'm honest. And I wish I could lie to him and say, YES buddy, that is truly what I believe. But with tears in my eyes and my voice cracking, I answer the kids as honestly as I can. I truly don't know buddy, I would really like to hope so. And because I think he is really 20, and I am horrible at hiding my voice cracking, and this question literally stopped me in my tracks, he says - I'm sorry I made you cry. *feeling like the worst mother ever at this point because I want, I NEED my children to know that they can talk to me about their hopes, fears, dreams without fear of making me sad...I move on to an even more brutally honest, heart wrenching statement.
"Logan, you need to know, no matter what, you can talk to me about what you are thinking. It may make me cry, it may make me laugh, but I can handle it and I am here for you."
"Well why do you cry then mom?"
Because buddy, it is normal. I'm sad. I hear you talk about Pappy and it melts my heart that you remember how much he loved you, how much he did for all of us. But it also makes me incredibly sad and breaks my heart that Pappy went to Heaven before your brothers' had that chance to get those concrete memories. You need to talk to me, always. That is what I am here for.
And then I asked a question I shouldn't have. I should have just let him ponder the thoughts and let it go. But I know he's sitting in his own thoughts, confused, so I ask, "Is there anything else you want to talk about buddy?"
No....well, mom, you really don't know when you are going to die? Holy crap. What the hell. Seriously? No. Not ready for this. Not ready for him to be old enough to think about this, or worry about this. And I'm not even remotely ready to think about not being here for him, being there to watch him and his brothers' grow up. But this is a reality. And this needs answered. Honestly.
So I do. While crying. No Logan, I can't answer that. No one can. It is a very, very scary thought. I hope with everything in me that I live a very, very long time and watch you guys grow up, and have your own families, and be there for you until I am very old. But I can't promise you that. All I can do is make sure every single day we are together you hear and know just how much I love you. And if something does happen, you need to have Faith that I am still with you. It isn't something that anyone knows for sure, that is why they call it Faith.
There were a lot more questions, and incredibly difficult answers in that two hours. And it did last the full two hours. I'm sure the wrestling weigh in peeps thought I was crazy because there was no doubt I was crying, but it doesn't matter.
Logan is growing up. This is the first of three times I am going to have to have this conversation. It isn't going to get any easier. I just truly hope I am around to give those answers to the other two when the time comes.
I think what was the hardest about the entire thing though was, bedtime came. They went to bed. All three of them. And I was left alone to replay that conversation over and over and over in my head. No surprise I didn't get any sleep.
Logan started out with "Mommy, do you think God made Pappy's plane crash because he had an important job for him in Heaven?"
Well Shit. Not the conversation I really wanted to have - I'm already doing all I can to keep my head above water in the depression area, don't really want to be doing this conversation....but he's a kid. And if it is confusing for me still, I can only imagine how it goes in his mind.
So, I'm honest. And I wish I could lie to him and say, YES buddy, that is truly what I believe. But with tears in my eyes and my voice cracking, I answer the kids as honestly as I can. I truly don't know buddy, I would really like to hope so. And because I think he is really 20, and I am horrible at hiding my voice cracking, and this question literally stopped me in my tracks, he says - I'm sorry I made you cry. *feeling like the worst mother ever at this point because I want, I NEED my children to know that they can talk to me about their hopes, fears, dreams without fear of making me sad...I move on to an even more brutally honest, heart wrenching statement.
"Logan, you need to know, no matter what, you can talk to me about what you are thinking. It may make me cry, it may make me laugh, but I can handle it and I am here for you."
"Well why do you cry then mom?"
Because buddy, it is normal. I'm sad. I hear you talk about Pappy and it melts my heart that you remember how much he loved you, how much he did for all of us. But it also makes me incredibly sad and breaks my heart that Pappy went to Heaven before your brothers' had that chance to get those concrete memories. You need to talk to me, always. That is what I am here for.
And then I asked a question I shouldn't have. I should have just let him ponder the thoughts and let it go. But I know he's sitting in his own thoughts, confused, so I ask, "Is there anything else you want to talk about buddy?"
No....well, mom, you really don't know when you are going to die? Holy crap. What the hell. Seriously? No. Not ready for this. Not ready for him to be old enough to think about this, or worry about this. And I'm not even remotely ready to think about not being here for him, being there to watch him and his brothers' grow up. But this is a reality. And this needs answered. Honestly.
So I do. While crying. No Logan, I can't answer that. No one can. It is a very, very scary thought. I hope with everything in me that I live a very, very long time and watch you guys grow up, and have your own families, and be there for you until I am very old. But I can't promise you that. All I can do is make sure every single day we are together you hear and know just how much I love you. And if something does happen, you need to have Faith that I am still with you. It isn't something that anyone knows for sure, that is why they call it Faith.
There were a lot more questions, and incredibly difficult answers in that two hours. And it did last the full two hours. I'm sure the wrestling weigh in peeps thought I was crazy because there was no doubt I was crying, but it doesn't matter.
Logan is growing up. This is the first of three times I am going to have to have this conversation. It isn't going to get any easier. I just truly hope I am around to give those answers to the other two when the time comes.
I think what was the hardest about the entire thing though was, bedtime came. They went to bed. All three of them. And I was left alone to replay that conversation over and over and over in my head. No surprise I didn't get any sleep.
Friday, February 6, 2015
February 6th
Utterly alone. That is all. Doesn't matter how busy life is, how many things going on this month. This is what feeling utterly and completely alone as it all gets done. Famous quote - Smile and no one knows what you are thinking. I can make projects and have friends and laugh and smile and have a good time, in the end, the boys are in bed, and I am utterly alone. Peaceful should be a synonym for that phrase. Embrace the quiet. Then the lights all turn off....wth? The breaker in the basement "kicked" interesting. It happened enough times, I decided to just turn off all the lights so it wouldn't freak me out anymore. How is this for a bunch of mumbled thoughts?
Baking cakes for the boys' birthday party, planning and making sure they'll enjoy the day. Feeling like I can't give them enough since their nuclear family was torn apart. Each day something new pops up to slam me back any progress that I may have made. Heck, even work is changing drastically. Change is good. Change will happen. Embrace it! Gotta love the words of wisdom from well intentioned friends. Sleep. I would like sleep. Can the insomnia at least go away? Good. Thanks! :-)
Baking cakes for the boys' birthday party, planning and making sure they'll enjoy the day. Feeling like I can't give them enough since their nuclear family was torn apart. Each day something new pops up to slam me back any progress that I may have made. Heck, even work is changing drastically. Change is good. Change will happen. Embrace it! Gotta love the words of wisdom from well intentioned friends. Sleep. I would like sleep. Can the insomnia at least go away? Good. Thanks! :-)
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
2015
I rang in 2015 the same way I did last year and several years prior, and the exact same way I intend to forever. With my three sons by my side and with the hope that this year will be a great year.
Things I hope to accomplish in 2015....
Joined #2015 in 2015. It is a running challenge. 2015 miles of movement by my feet this year. I'm 17 miles in.....this could get interesting!
Participate in and raise money for the LLS doing "Race to Anyplace" - team joined! Should be a great day in February at Heinz Field!
Completely quit smoking. I was done for over two weeks and didn't even think about it. Unfortunately I let hate, anger, hurt, frustration and exhaustion drag me back down. The quitting has commenced again and I refuse to let anything or anyone have the influence to have me start again.
Spend more time with both of my grandmothers and my mom. Life is short. The rat race of continuously running the boys has me completely exhausted far too often. Need to slow down!
Finally clear out the garage! Maybe someday a second car will need to fit in there!
Complete my first half marathon under a 2 hour and 15 minute time frame. Training has commenced.....
Enjoy this summer way more than I did the last.
Truly live my life. Stop worrying about what others would think or say. No one can make any decisions for me, but me. And those decisions need to be made without worrying about what my family, or any family or person would say or think. People will say what they want, no matter what, it hurts to lose those you love, but hurts worse to not be you.
And finally, run a sub 2 hour half marathon in September at Virginia Beach! Won't be with who I thought would be by my side, but I will still make the best of it.
Love life. Not just live it, but LOVE it. All of it. Every second I'm allowed to be here, love it.
Things I hope to accomplish in 2015....
Joined #2015 in 2015. It is a running challenge. 2015 miles of movement by my feet this year. I'm 17 miles in.....this could get interesting!
Participate in and raise money for the LLS doing "Race to Anyplace" - team joined! Should be a great day in February at Heinz Field!
Completely quit smoking. I was done for over two weeks and didn't even think about it. Unfortunately I let hate, anger, hurt, frustration and exhaustion drag me back down. The quitting has commenced again and I refuse to let anything or anyone have the influence to have me start again.
Spend more time with both of my grandmothers and my mom. Life is short. The rat race of continuously running the boys has me completely exhausted far too often. Need to slow down!
Finally clear out the garage! Maybe someday a second car will need to fit in there!
Complete my first half marathon under a 2 hour and 15 minute time frame. Training has commenced.....
Enjoy this summer way more than I did the last.
Truly live my life. Stop worrying about what others would think or say. No one can make any decisions for me, but me. And those decisions need to be made without worrying about what my family, or any family or person would say or think. People will say what they want, no matter what, it hurts to lose those you love, but hurts worse to not be you.
And finally, run a sub 2 hour half marathon in September at Virginia Beach! Won't be with who I thought would be by my side, but I will still make the best of it.
Love life. Not just live it, but LOVE it. All of it. Every second I'm allowed to be here, love it.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Time
That is all. Time. Measure anything by time and you can find something to hold on to or to let go of. A week ago today. That's the last time I was happy. Or thought I was. A week from now, I will be 34. A week from that it will be 2015. Time passes whether we want it to or not. The old saying, Time is on your side....was one of my dad's favorite phrases. Since that dream/nightmare, he's been in my head every single night as I try to sleep. Tic toc tic toc....the big grandfather clock that was always at the bottom of the stairs....I can hear it and he's standing next to it. Weirdest crap ever. What is my mind trying to tell me? No idea. Weird. Last night he was back to screaming he is right in front of me while I started saying tic toc tic toc. I think I'm losing my mind. 2014 is almost over. Was supposed to be a good year.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Finally.....or not?
I'm sick. Like my body aches and stuffy nose, load up on Dayquil to make it sick. It's pretty horrible. But helping with the whole no smoking thing. I'm on day 8 or 9 of that. I've lost count. I'm not longer a smoker and don't even really think about it except in extremely stressful moments. Looking forward to not using the patch any longer now that habits are broken. But anyway, the really point to this post is my dad. Being sick, I fell asleep around 6:15 last night, woke up around 8:30, put my kiddos to bed (relax they were with their dad until 8:30) Then I was still tired and so freaking achy but I could not fall asleep. I think I kept dozing off but just SO miserable. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4am.
At 6 am my alarm woke me up.
Sometime in that time period - 4am - 6am, for the first time in over three years, I saw my dad in a dream. The nightmares I had had previously, he was never in them, it was the plane crash, the search, the site, grotesque findings and such, never him.
Not last night - or this morning. It was him. I was standing in front of him screaming and crying. I can't remember my words. But his I will never forget. "I am right here sissy. Look at me. I'm standing and I'm fine. You're not listening to me. Listen Kristi Eileen, I am RIGHT HERE. I AM STANDING AND I AM FINE." That is what he said to me over and over and over. And I am right here saying that I am going to fully believe that it was him that came and let me know finally that he, his spirit, is OK. Could be my mind, could be the Dayquil, could be a million things, or not a single thing. I am going to choose to believe that it was him telling me he was fine. That is my choice.
At 6 am my alarm woke me up.
Sometime in that time period - 4am - 6am, for the first time in over three years, I saw my dad in a dream. The nightmares I had had previously, he was never in them, it was the plane crash, the search, the site, grotesque findings and such, never him.
Not last night - or this morning. It was him. I was standing in front of him screaming and crying. I can't remember my words. But his I will never forget. "I am right here sissy. Look at me. I'm standing and I'm fine. You're not listening to me. Listen Kristi Eileen, I am RIGHT HERE. I AM STANDING AND I AM FINE." That is what he said to me over and over and over. And I am right here saying that I am going to fully believe that it was him that came and let me know finally that he, his spirit, is OK. Could be my mind, could be the Dayquil, could be a million things, or not a single thing. I am going to choose to believe that it was him telling me he was fine. That is my choice.
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