2015

I rang in 2015 the same way I did last year and several years prior, and the exact same way I intend to forever.  With my three sons by my side and with the hope that this year will be a great year. 

Things I hope to accomplish in 2015....

Joined #2015 in 2015.  It is a running challenge.  2015 miles of movement by my feet this year.  I'm 17 miles in.....this could get interesting!

Participate in and raise money for the LLS doing "Race to Anyplace"  - team joined!  Should be a great day in February at Heinz Field!

Completely quit smoking. I was done for over two weeks and didn't even think about it.  Unfortunately I let hate, anger, hurt, frustration and exhaustion drag me back down.  The quitting has commenced again and I refuse to let anything or anyone have the influence to have me start again.

Spend more time with both of my grandmothers and my mom.  Life is short.  The rat race of continuously running the boys has me completely exhausted far too often.  Need to slow down!

Finally clear out the garage!  Maybe someday a second car will need to fit in there!
 
Complete my first half marathon under a 2 hour and 15 minute time frame.  Training has commenced.....

Enjoy this summer way more than I did the last. 

Truly live my life.  Stop worrying about what others would think or say.  No one can make any decisions for me, but me.  And those decisions need to be made without worrying about what my family, or any family or person would say or think.  People will say what they want, no matter what, it hurts to lose those you love, but hurts worse to not be you.

And finally, run a sub 2 hour half marathon in September at Virginia Beach!  Won't be with who I thought would be by my side, but I will still make the best of it.


Love life.  Not just live it, but LOVE it.  All of it.  Every second I'm allowed to be here, love it.

Time

That is all.  Time.  Measure anything by time and you can find something to hold on to or to let go of.  A week ago today.  That's the last time I was happy.  Or thought I was.  A week from now, I will be 34.  A week from that it will be 2015.  Time passes whether we want it to or not.  The old saying, Time is on your side....was one of my dad's favorite phrases.  Since that dream/nightmare, he's been in my head every single night as I try to sleep.  Tic toc tic toc....the big grandfather clock that was always at the bottom of the stairs....I can hear it and he's standing next to it.  Weirdest crap ever.  What is my mind trying to tell me? No idea.  Weird.  Last night he was back to screaming he is right in front of me while I started saying tic toc tic toc.  I think I'm losing my mind.  2014 is almost over.  Was supposed to be a good year. 

Finally.....or not?

I'm sick.  Like my body aches and stuffy nose, load up on Dayquil to make it sick.  It's pretty horrible.  But helping with the whole no smoking thing.  I'm on day 8 or 9 of that.  I've lost count.  I'm not longer a smoker and don't even really think about it except in extremely stressful moments.  Looking forward to not using the patch any longer now that habits are broken.  But anyway, the really point to this post is my dad.  Being sick, I fell asleep around 6:15 last night, woke up around 8:30, put my kiddos to bed (relax they were with their dad until 8:30)  Then I was still tired and so freaking achy but I could not fall asleep.  I think I kept dozing off but just SO miserable.  The last time I looked at the clock it was 4am.

At 6 am my alarm woke me up.

Sometime in that time period - 4am - 6am, for the first time in over three years, I saw my dad in a dream.  The nightmares I had had previously, he was never in them, it was the plane crash, the search, the site, grotesque findings and such, never him.

Not last night - or this morning.  It was him.  I was standing in front of him screaming and crying.  I can't remember my words.  But his I will never forget.  "I am right here sissy.  Look at me.  I'm standing and I'm fine. You're not listening to me.  Listen Kristi Eileen, I am RIGHT HERE.  I AM STANDING AND I AM FINE."   That is what he said to me over and over and over.  And I am right here saying that I am going to fully believe that it was him that came and let me know finally that he, his spirit, is OK.  Could be my mind, could be the Dayquil, could be a million things, or not a single thing.  I am going to choose to believe that it was him telling me he was fine.  That is my choice.

The Patch :-)

My dad was a frequent smoker.  I remember for YEARS my mom trying to get him to quit.  She would quit for a little while and then start again...it was a pretty bad cycle.  I never wanted to be like that.  I was always one to quit instantly when pregnant and then start right back up as soon as I was done breastfeeding.  Why quit for so long just to start again?  Sure there are a ton of excuses I could give - stress, life, a few minutes away, but really, in the end, it is just BAD.  And I know this.  And for two straight years I have said I HAVE to quit.  Then a few weeks ago, Lucas asked me when I would quit for him.  For some reason, that one struck a chord.  He was noticing.  Then Kaden pretended to Smoke.  Seriously, what am I teaching them?  For a long time many different people have told me I should quit.  I would laugh and joke and say I'm not a quitter.  I saw my parents do the seesaw of quit, start, quit, start - I didn't want that.  Truth is - quitting is scary for me.  Excuses are endless.  I don't handle stress well.  And I'm under a ton of stress.  Work, home, kids, friends, family, the list is endless.  But, today I popped that patch on and I can't smoke.  I'm stuck at work, having a pretty craptastic day and I canNOT smoke.  Literally can cause me to go in to immediate cardiac arrest.  So - I'm typing.  This morning when I needed one desperately, I went to the basement and got on the treadmill.  I just did sit ups on my classroom floor.  My options to distract are limited and I feel trapped.  But, in the end, this too shall pass.  So, Day 1.  Just over 12 hours since my last cigarette.....Damn that seems like a freaking eternity.......No one could make this decision for me or give me enough reasons to quit or not to quit.  So, my decision, is to quit.  And to stay a quitter.  At this.  And I am going to make a damn good quitter.

Halloween....

Logan woke up this morning so incredibly excited realizing that Halloween was this week.  He began telling stories as Kaden and Lucas woke up.  It was nearly 6:30 and I had already ran 7 miles on the treadmill, lifted, cleaned and had breakfast cooked (the awesomeness of insomnia!) He was in the middle of a story about the one time that Pappy and Grammy came to hand out candy at our old house and he was SO scary!

It was the first time I remembered my dad ever dressing up for Halloween.  And it is a memory that is apparently going to carry on forever in my baby's mind.  That and how much he wished pappy had done it again after that.

That year, my mom and dad were going to a party after, but they had always come to my house to hand out candy so I could take the boys trick or treating and still have candy at my house.  This particular year, dad was elated that one child made the trek up our cul-d-sac road.  (actually he was annoyed he didn't just go trick or treating with us.) 

So anyway, we are getting ready to go, and there is a knock at the door.  Of course Logan (almost 5 at the time) goes RUNNING to get it because PAPPY IS HERE!!!!!!....except my dad looked like the grim reaper....or something.  And he wasn't talking.  He was DEAD silent - Logan kept saying, "Pappy, is that you??" Then Logan backed up....far...and Pappy just slowly, very slowly taking one step forward.  One after another.  I started to get scared.  My mom wasn't visible and I was starting to freak out we opened the door to a lunatic expecting my dad.  It felt like an eternity, Logan because crying, I was freaking out and picked up the phone to call 911, Lucas (just under 1) was absolutely terrified crawling/screaming away. 

That man let this go on until I had almost completely dialed 911, the boys and I had ran to the "big" room and slammed the door (which of course didn't shut/lock properly) my back was pressed against it....And then I hear the voice "HAHA Kristi Eileen you are so incredibly gulible.  Kris, get out here, open the door and let Pappy hug the boys!!"  I swear - it's funny now, but in that moment, going from happy dad was there to scared literally shitless to relieve in a matter of minutes. 

But the boys loved it.  Well Logan.  Lucas still doesn't remember it, but will pretend he does.  Like he does with most of the stories about Pappy.  Kaden and Lucas will tell stories.  Lucas more so.  "remember that time" well no, buddy, I don't because it didn't happen.  But I don't say that.  I just repeat, Pappy loved us all very much.  And he absolutely LOVED Halloween.  Miss him almost more than anything in this world. 

Different Meaning

Words have a different meaning lately.  You look for that one reason to keep holding on to something or someone, looking for a meaning or a reason to things.  The truth is, the statement "everything happens for a reason" has always been a line of crap to me.  Things happen because of actions or reactions.  So, when the reason isn't easily shown, your mind works wonders in coming up with a reason.  Those reasons are sometimes true and sometimes not.  But, who is to say what is true or not true.

That's my rambling journal entry from almost two months ago.  Weird it popped up today while having a conversation with my brother.  I know you read this sometimes big brother - so please know, you stopping by tonight and being with me, meant the world.  And you don't know what you prevented me from doing.  That hug and I love you, and the sincerity of it, was needed more than you can possibly imagine.  Do it again sometime :-)

Another.....

I was browsing Facebook yesterday and realized I had missed a post my cousin (Tara) had posted last Friday.  I'm glad I missed it.  Because it would have just made me even more angry and sad.  My dad's death made me question everything I used to believe in with faith, God, life after death, etc.  I had always hoped, believed, that loved ones do look after each other when they pass.  What I didn't realize was they pick and choose I guess.

Friday night, Senior night at Leechburg.  Leechburg WON the game.  Score of 61 to 25.  Why is this important?  Oh, well Leechburg typically sucks, let alone to score THAT many points.  What is 61?  The number my dad wore all 4 years he played, starred, on the Leechburg football team.  Everyone posting about how nice is was Uncle Mike was there to support Tara, blah blah blah.  Hey dad, thanks for being here or showing me any sort of support when you know if you were living I'd be leaning on you the most.  Thanks for waiting a week for me to see the post, and hurt even more. 

So, another case of, I may look like him.  I may act like him.  I may have needed him and trusted in him.  But I am NOT him.  And I will never get to say half of what needs to say.  I will always have unanswered questions.  He's the lucky one.  Whether there is a heaven or not, whether there is an after life or not.  He is the lucky one.  Not here to see the family that isn't a family anymore.  The hatred.  The fighting.  Everyone looking at me to be the glue because I am "just like him"  Odd how my mom doesn't even want to be around me and only wants to find comfort in stuff that isn't a reminder of him.  And THAT includes me.  Seems I am the only thing or person that is the problem.  I accept it. It is what it is and what it will always be.