Dear Dad,
I am so hurt and sad that you left us. It isn’t fair. You meant everything to me. You were the dad that every little girl
could ever want. I wish I could
think of a single memory that was my favorite but there were so many. Watching you with my boys and seeing
the joy they brought you lit up my world.
Knowing that Kaden will grow up not knowing you, Lucas will only have
memories we tell him and Logan having such distant memories will hurt me forever. Watching mom suffer through losing you and
navigating life without you is torture each and every day. The mess that is left with the business
that is taking Mike, Mom and I months to clear up and make everything run
smoothly brings back every hurtful memory daily a thousand times over. I wish that you knew how much I missed
you, how much I regret not calling Sunday when I thought about it 15 times to
tell you that the weather back here was bad and Jesse was fine with us so maybe
you would have stayed one more day and not been on that flight pattern. I wish I wasn’t angry at you for
flying. I know you would never
have flown if you thought it wasn’t safe.
But really, why fly at all.
Why put that risk when you had so many here that loved you and needed
you. Why fly at all? I know you loved it, but it would be
like me deciding to be a Nascar driver or something – why put yourself in harms
way? I wish I wasn’t angry about
it but I am.
I wish that you knew how hard we search for the plane that
whole week. I wish that I could
have told you about how scary it was sliding down the mountain that was
literally a cliff. The bruises
that covered my body, the jokes about me pumping on the mountain to keep my
breast milk up for Kaden back home.
I wish that Kaden had been an easy baby so your few months with him had
been easy. I know all you wanted
to do was hold him and nap with him like you did the other boys. I have so many regrets and things that
I wished I had said or done while you were still here. I still can’t even fathom not being
able to talk to you. I wish that
you knew how many times I picked up the phone to call you only to realize that
you would never answer again.
I learned so much from you. I learned how to be a good parent. I learned how to recognize my weaknesses and learn from
them. I have no idea how to take my hurts and sadness away and I don’t know how
to let go of them. I cry every
single day on the way to or from work.
The stupidest things will remind me of you and how you will never be
able to share them with me again.
I watch Kaden learn how to crawl and walk and remember how much you
LOVED this age with the older boys and I get so angry and sad that you aren’t
here to share this with me.
Truth be told I am SOOOOO mad that I have spent so much of
my last baby’s life away from him dealing with the business world and
working. It wouldn’t be this way
if you were here, or if you had just had a stupid life insurance policy so we
didn’t have to worry about keeping the business going and profitable so that
mom would be OK. I hate that I
have to be the one to sell you stupid motorcycles. I hate that we have to sell them. I hate that your Ferrari is sitting in the garage and every
time I see it I remember that Lucas and Kaden never got their maiden voyage in
it with you. All the plans and
dreams we had are gone. I am so
angry and bitter about it. It just
isn’t fair. I could go on and on
about all the things I hate.
Nothing is going to bring you back. Nothing is going to give me that last chance to hug you and
tell you goodbye. I’ll never
forget the last moments I spent with you.
What made you call me that night to take the boys for pizza? You hated that place. Yet you called and we dropped our plans
because the boys wanted to see you before you went to Myrtle. Why didn’t I hug you and hold on tight
instead of a rushed hug and kiss on the cheek because Kaden was screaming his
head off as usual. Why?
I don’t know how to say goodbye. I never had to and I don’t want to. I need to move on for Logan and the
other boys, but I don’t know how.
I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I love you so much daddy. I miss you so much.
I said it at your funeral, I am who I am today because I had a father
like you. So I’ll get through, I
always do. Why? because as I have
heard a million times, I’m strong, I’m just like my dad. So I guess thank you for that. I miss you so much.
Love always,
Sissy
I'm from the BHB. I remember when the accident happened. My heart broke for you. I'm almost 24. My dad passed away almost 5 years ago. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle or to meet my two precious babies. I didn't go to a counselor because I "thought" I was too strong for that. I just want to tell you that your blog is helping me overcome grief. It sickens me to see my kids around my inlaws mainly FIL. I appreciate your blog. You are making a difference in someone's life (mine). Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for the loss of your father. I am glad that anything I share can be helpful to someone. I am incredibly grateful that I got married young and had my first two babies young and that my dad got to know them super well, but in the same sense it sucks even worse because I have to deal with their pain an grief when I can't even figure mine out. And I saw how wonderful he was with them and the strong bond they formed and it makes me even sadder, if that is possible, that Kaden will never know that bond. I hate myself for not taking more pictures because I was too tired, or Kaden was too cranky, it makes me so angry. Supposedly that is the stage in grieving I am in - anger. Lovely.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you for following and I hope that you continue to keep your dads memory alive for your children - they have to know all the fun, loving stories so when they meet him one day many, many years from now they will know him! - I'm sorry if you don't believe in the heaven thing, then this won't really apply, but I still feel strongly that talking about our loved ones after they pass helps us and keeps their memory alive. I personally have a really difficult time right now believing in the afterlife and God - it is a personal struggle of mine currently. Ok, sorry I'm babbling! That happens a lot to me lately :-)
I absolutely am a believer. I went through the stage of being angry with God for taking my dad. Now that I look back, I am so shocked that I felt that way. It seems like the complete opposite of who I usually am. A family that I have been close to has recently gone through this. I was best friends with this guy for so long. He has two brothers. Their mother was killed in a car accident on Mother's Day. It has brought back every emotion that I experienced almost five years ago. The only thing I can do is reassure them that I know what they are going through. How would you handle this situation? Do you think I am going about it the right way?
ReplyDeleteIf I were to have a close friend lose a loved one suddenly right now the only thing I could do or recommend is to be there for anything but not overly there...hope that makes sense. For instance, I am really overwhelmed and sometimes just need to vent that I feel overwhelmed. An offer of help is appreciated, but when I decline, I want to still be able to talk about my feelings without feeling like they are going to hound me to let them help. I am a control freak. I need to do most things on my own to make sure they are done the way I want. It is a terrible trait because I could have help with things but I don't take it because I want it done my way. Typing that out it sounds awful, but for now that is how I am.
ReplyDeleteI think more than anything being there as a friend is the only thing that can be done. I can't imagine losing my mom, let alone suddenly and on mother's day. How awful :-( I am so terribly sorry for your friends' loss.