This past year has been incredibly unnerving to me. Everything I had once believed in with my life diminished as quickly as it seemed to appear. The days continually pass and I keep smiling and pressing on, but every day, literally every day, I find myself thinking and wondering what is the purpose. Not just the purpose, or my purpose in life, but the purpose in pursuing happiness, the purpose in waking up, the purpose in going to work, the purpose in paying the bills....when in the end, the end result is always the same for everyone.
I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, suicidal by an stretch of the imagination, so don't think I'm going there. I just think back to every time I would see my dad and tell him he was working too hard, going to kill himself with smoking, or whatever his vice was at the moment. But then I'd look at him, and he was happy. Truly happy. Sure there were many, many issues in his life with the business and just life in general, but he was happy. Anyone would ask him how he was doing and his response was always the same. Just living the dream. And he truly was. He was at every sporting event of mine growing up no matter how busy or tired he was, and he continued that legacy with my oldest son and my oldest nephew. I have no doubt in my mind he would have never missed a single event by any of the boys if he could help it. But he couldn't help it. He died. He crashed his plane and died, and killed two people in the process. The whole time searching for him it didn't make any sense. He was the most careful person I know when it comes to others. I never would have thought twice about trusting my kids' lives with him. In his hands I knew they would be safe. Yet, they wouldn't have been if I had let Logan go with him that weekend. Or Lucas or Kaden for that matter.
I have no idea why he flew when reports say they said the weather was bad. It makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever. I was comforted by the fact that he didn't know what was going to happen and didn't have time to think about what was happening - but recordings say otherwise. They have his voice saying he was hitting bad weather and in trouble. I have no doubt he was doing whatever he could to get out of the situation - and reports show he was doing the right thing. The altimeter froze and he didn't know he was literally flying straight in to the side of the mountain. How unfair is that? He knew how to read the instruments and was nearly certified and would have been fine - but it froze. I mean seriously, how fair is that?
June sucks. It is his birthday and Father's Day. Two days I without fail celebrated with him with love and care. I never once thought about not being with him on these days - most certainly not when I was just hitting 30. My life has had many, many twists and turns over the past year - I mean, I finally had enough nerve and sense to leave a man that I know had been cheating on me. Of course I was in denial for a very long time and swore up and down it wasn't happening. Hell I even told a few friends if I ever caught him I'd kill him. And while saying it, in the back of my mind I knew it was happening. So I went through a custody battle and divorce and it was just as I had expected, miserable. I still love him and hate that my family is split apart - but what I hate most is that I can't have my dad to lean on during it. Adult or not, that reality sucks.
I look at pictures of him and burst in to tears because it simply is not fair. It is unimaginable that he isn't here with me. The truth is, I live each day in fear I will leave my boys the way he left me. To the point that in a lock box I have letters I wrote them each for all of the mile stones in their lives that God forbid I am not here for, they will have a piece of me on those days. If that isn't morbid, I don't know what is.
I started writing this yesterday and rereading it, it is all over the map. It probably doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't have to - I need to get better at venting my feelings - the counselor says so. I apparently also need to learn to trust again - how does one do that?
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