Anger

Title says it all, this is a short post, at least as I start typing this that is how I intend it to be.

I'm angry.  I'm so angry and I don't know how to get passed it. (passed or past? why can't I ever remember which one applies?) Apparently it is a stage in the grieving process....how do I get beyond this stage?  I am so angry it is almost putting me in to a depression.  I look in the mirror and hate who I have become.  I am still a good mother, friend, wife, daughter and sister.  Still a productive member of society...but, I don't sleep, I don't eat and I'm miserable inside.  I want to go in the woods and scream bloody murder and smash things.  Anger is a very moving emotion.  I wish it would move right on past me. (again with the past?? right or wrong usage?) 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Letter to my dad, as directed by Counselor...

And apparently I had to write one too - mine is a bit longer...if you want to skip mine and see what my son said, read below...I do not think it helped me at all...it just made me more angry and sad I think. Who knows, maybe it will help in the future?

 

Dear Dad,

I am so hurt and sad that you left us.  It isn’t fair.  You meant everything to me.  You were the dad that every little girl could ever want.  I wish I could think of a single memory that was my favorite but there were so many.  Watching you with my boys and seeing the joy they brought you lit up my world.  Knowing that Kaden will grow up not knowing you, Lucas will only have memories we tell him and Logan having such distant memories will hurt me forever.  Watching mom suffer through losing you and navigating life without you is torture each and every day.  The mess that is left with the business that is taking Mike, Mom and I months to clear up and make everything run smoothly brings back every hurtful memory daily a thousand times over.  I wish that you knew how much I missed you, how much I regret not calling Sunday when I thought about it 15 times to tell you that the weather back here was bad and Jesse was fine with us so maybe you would have stayed one more day and not been on that flight pattern.  I wish I wasn’t angry at you for flying.  I know you would never have flown if you thought it wasn’t safe.  But really, why fly at all.  Why put that risk when you had so many here that loved you and needed you.  Why fly at all?  I know you loved it, but it would be like me deciding to be a Nascar driver or something – why put yourself in harms way?  I wish I wasn’t angry about it but I am. 

I wish that you knew how hard we search for the plane that whole week.  I wish that I could have told you about how scary it was sliding down the mountain that was literally a cliff.  The bruises that covered my body, the jokes about me pumping on the mountain to keep my breast milk up for Kaden back home.  I wish that Kaden had been an easy baby so your few months with him had been easy.  I know all you wanted to do was hold him and nap with him like you did the other boys.  I have so many regrets and things that I wished I had said or done while you were still here.  I still can’t even fathom not being able to talk to you.  I wish that you knew how many times I picked up the phone to call you only to realize that you would never answer again.

I learned so much from you.  I learned how to be a good parent.  I learned how to recognize my weaknesses and learn from them. I have no idea how to take my hurts and sadness away and I don’t know how to let go of them.  I cry every single day on the way to or from work.  The stupidest things will remind me of you and how you will never be able to share them with me again.  I watch Kaden learn how to crawl and walk and remember how much you LOVED this age with the older boys and I get so angry and sad that you aren’t here to share this with me.

Truth be told I am SOOOOO mad that I have spent so much of my last baby’s life away from him dealing with the business world and working.  It wouldn’t be this way if you were here, or if you had just had a stupid life insurance policy so we didn’t have to worry about keeping the business going and profitable so that mom would be OK.  I hate that I have to be the one to sell you stupid motorcycles.  I hate that we have to sell them.  I hate that your Ferrari is sitting in the garage and every time I see it I remember that Lucas and Kaden never got their maiden voyage in it with you.  All the plans and dreams we had are gone.  I am so angry and bitter about it.  It just isn’t fair.  I could go on and on about all the things I hate.  Nothing is going to bring you back.  Nothing is going to give me that last chance to hug you and tell you goodbye.  I’ll never forget the last moments I spent with you.  What made you call me that night to take the boys for pizza?  You hated that place.  Yet you called and we dropped our plans because the boys wanted to see you before you went to Myrtle.  Why didn’t I hug you and hold on tight instead of a rushed hug and kiss on the cheek because Kaden was screaming his head off as usual. Why?

I don’t know how to say goodbye.  I never had to and I don’t want to.  I need to move on for Logan and the other boys, but I don’t know how.  I miss you so much that it physically hurts.  I love you so much daddy.  I miss you so much.  I said it at your funeral, I am who I am today because I had a father like you.  So I’ll get through, I always do.  Why? because as I have heard a million times, I’m strong, I’m just like my dad.  So I guess thank you for that. I miss you so much.

Love always,

Sissy

So, I have been taking Logan to a counselor to help deal with his grief and anger issues since my dad passed away...this week we had a homework assignment.  He had to write a letter answering questions she gave him...Here is the letter he came up with: (of course I got to help, that was fun)

Dear Pappy,

I am sad Pappy died.  Pappy meant a lot to me.  Pappy taught me how to walk.  I learned how to tie my shoe and Pappy let me tie his.  Pappy pushed me on the swing.  I helped Pappy build the mantel.  Pappy took me to Idlewild.  Pappy was very funny and he had spikey hair.  I loved him very much.  I will say goodbye by sending a copy of this letter on a balloon to heaven.  I wish Pappy knew I loved him more than he loved me.  If I could talk to him I would tell him that I miss you so much and I wish you didn’t die in the plane crash.  You taught me math, 180+8=188.  You helped me learn how to ride a bike.  You took me to school.  I am sad so to feel better I will be strong and cry.  I will talk about you to keep your memory alive. I will get all of my tears out and be strong so that I don’t hurt anymore.  I will think about you.  I miss you so much Pappy.

Love,

logan

I really, really hope it helped him....

Repeat

All I can think of is I just need to repeat my last post.  I really miss my dad.  It sucks.

I am having a serious soul searching dilema, I need to get out of dodge.  Everywhere I look I see him.  I know it will get easier and all that jazz but I honestly just am a terrible person in these parts.  I have no patience and I just cry at the drop of a hat.  It is supposed to get easier.  I think everyone is lying. 

Kaden's first birthday is coming up and all I can think about is how he won't be here for it.  How unfair for Kaden it is that he will never get to experience a Grammy and Pappy shopping trip on his birthday.  How I won't have a picture of dad with him blowing out his first birthday candle.  I could go on and on but all I do is cry. This sucks and is so unfair!

Today stinks.

I really, really miss my dad today.  I don't know why today.  How do kids lose their parent early on and survive? I am a parent, an adult.  I know life and death go hand in hand.  Why can I not rationalize that I really will never see my dad again.  I look at pictures and it is still seems so freaking surreal. I beg daily to have him back for one more day.  Just one more time to tell him I love him and hear him say it back.  I used to be able to hear his voice in my head.  It's only been 5 months and it is already fading from me.  I hate it.  I really hate it.

Logan's Letter

Logan's Letter

Honestly, I think the letter is self explanatory.  My oldest son, just turned 8 in February, wrote this.  Not only is his handwriting awesome, but the content of the letter literally made many cry.  I really hope Pappy is getting to meet lots of people up in heaven too buddy :-( God do I miss him.

My First Project W/O My Dad

I did well but it sucked.  My dad has always been super handy.  I mean he started out doing hand made, real kitchen cabinets and learned how to build houses from foundation to finish.  He built a business with my mom from the ground up.  When he died he was doing quadruple the work and had 15 employees.  So, when I had a project, I naturally called him and he usually did the majority of it.

A million times I would start a project only to call him to come finish it....like the shed, fireplace mantle, garbage disposal...just to name a quick few! He knew when I called he would end up having to come and finish up and I think he enjoyed it, at least at this point I hope so.

So anyway, for whatever reason I decided Saturday morning that I was going to rip up the carpet in the basement and put down laminate hardwood flooring :-) Yep, oh, and did I mention it had to be done no matter what by Monday for an appraiser to come over? and to do this we had to move all of the toys down afterward and redo the room the toys were coming from.  This should have been a two or three weekend project at least, I did it in 48 hours with all three kids under tow :-)

I picked up the phone a bunch of times to call and ask a question, obviously there was no call to make as you can't call heaven or hell wherever he is.  I think it went well.  I'm sure he would have done a better job and the things I had difficulty with, I'm sure he would have breezed right through.  But over all I think he would be proud that I was able to complete it.

I'm on a mission now though - all home improvements must be done.  There is a drive in me that I have to get it all done.  I think because there were so many things that dad and I had planned to do to the house before this summer.   Every time I look at the things and think about the fun I would have had doing the stuff with him and including the kids it makes me really sad.  So if I whip through it maybe I won't think about it so much?  Who knows, but I am going to be a home improvement queen until this stuff is all done!

Fault

Who defines the definition of fault?  In my world, "a fault" is when there is something you do that is detrimental and you still do it, that is a fault of yours.  Another thing with fault is when you place blame upon someone for something they did.  Or you did yourself and you are faulting yourself.  That is what I do.  I 100% fault myself for my dads death.  Crazy right?  In my world, not so much.  The problem is, I don't know how to get past this.  It hurts and when I think about it, the fault, guilt, blame that I feel...well, you know it sucks.  It sucks really bad.  Some day I will type the story of fault up on here.  For today, this is my way of publicly admitting fault in my dads death. (No I didn't kill him, he died in a plane crash, read the blog!)

Another weekend of clear skies.

I really think God has it out for me.  The winter has been so mild - almost like a cold spring.  The skies have been so clear.  Dad would have loved to be flying on these days.  I am finding myself more and more miserable and it just really sucks.

I have so much to be happy for.  I know people lose their parents all of the time, but I look at our baby and think of how much dad loved this age and poor Kaden will never get to know him.  He will never get to know what it feels like to run and hug his Pappy who would want nothing more than a hug from him.

Lucas has been saying "I miss Pappy." a ton lately and I don't know what to say other than so do I buddy, so do I.

It doesn't help that I really and truly think I am depressed.  Having a very difficult baby, losing my dad, dealing with the business, going back to work, fighting with my husband constantly, an 8 year old that he morphed into attitude mania and I really just want to crawl in a hole and cry.

I hoped typing would help get it out, but really my thoughts are so jumbled I can't get it all out.  I need a shrink.

February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day.

Awesome.

My dad got me my first flower - a rose, on Valentines day in 1981.  I was just shy of 2 months old.  I still have that flower.  Things like that I will never forget.

The boys want to send Pappy cards, so off to the cemetary with cards attached to balloons we go tonight.

I keep doing these things for them because I know it helps them, but I hate it.  I hate it with a passion.  I want him back.  I want my freaking dad back.  Even for a second, just so I could say goodbye.  Life is so damn unfair.