Time

That is all.  Time.  Measure anything by time and you can find something to hold on to or to let go of.  A week ago today.  That's the last time I was happy.  Or thought I was.  A week from now, I will be 34.  A week from that it will be 2015.  Time passes whether we want it to or not.  The old saying, Time is on your side....was one of my dad's favorite phrases.  Since that dream/nightmare, he's been in my head every single night as I try to sleep.  Tic toc tic toc....the big grandfather clock that was always at the bottom of the stairs....I can hear it and he's standing next to it.  Weirdest crap ever.  What is my mind trying to tell me? No idea.  Weird.  Last night he was back to screaming he is right in front of me while I started saying tic toc tic toc.  I think I'm losing my mind.  2014 is almost over.  Was supposed to be a good year. 

Finally.....or not?

I'm sick.  Like my body aches and stuffy nose, load up on Dayquil to make it sick.  It's pretty horrible.  But helping with the whole no smoking thing.  I'm on day 8 or 9 of that.  I've lost count.  I'm not longer a smoker and don't even really think about it except in extremely stressful moments.  Looking forward to not using the patch any longer now that habits are broken.  But anyway, the really point to this post is my dad.  Being sick, I fell asleep around 6:15 last night, woke up around 8:30, put my kiddos to bed (relax they were with their dad until 8:30)  Then I was still tired and so freaking achy but I could not fall asleep.  I think I kept dozing off but just SO miserable.  The last time I looked at the clock it was 4am.

At 6 am my alarm woke me up.

Sometime in that time period - 4am - 6am, for the first time in over three years, I saw my dad in a dream.  The nightmares I had had previously, he was never in them, it was the plane crash, the search, the site, grotesque findings and such, never him.

Not last night - or this morning.  It was him.  I was standing in front of him screaming and crying.  I can't remember my words.  But his I will never forget.  "I am right here sissy.  Look at me.  I'm standing and I'm fine. You're not listening to me.  Listen Kristi Eileen, I am RIGHT HERE.  I AM STANDING AND I AM FINE."   That is what he said to me over and over and over.  And I am right here saying that I am going to fully believe that it was him that came and let me know finally that he, his spirit, is OK.  Could be my mind, could be the Dayquil, could be a million things, or not a single thing.  I am going to choose to believe that it was him telling me he was fine.  That is my choice.

The Patch :-)

My dad was a frequent smoker.  I remember for YEARS my mom trying to get him to quit.  She would quit for a little while and then start again...it was a pretty bad cycle.  I never wanted to be like that.  I was always one to quit instantly when pregnant and then start right back up as soon as I was done breastfeeding.  Why quit for so long just to start again?  Sure there are a ton of excuses I could give - stress, life, a few minutes away, but really, in the end, it is just BAD.  And I know this.  And for two straight years I have said I HAVE to quit.  Then a few weeks ago, Lucas asked me when I would quit for him.  For some reason, that one struck a chord.  He was noticing.  Then Kaden pretended to Smoke.  Seriously, what am I teaching them?  For a long time many different people have told me I should quit.  I would laugh and joke and say I'm not a quitter.  I saw my parents do the seesaw of quit, start, quit, start - I didn't want that.  Truth is - quitting is scary for me.  Excuses are endless.  I don't handle stress well.  And I'm under a ton of stress.  Work, home, kids, friends, family, the list is endless.  But, today I popped that patch on and I can't smoke.  I'm stuck at work, having a pretty craptastic day and I canNOT smoke.  Literally can cause me to go in to immediate cardiac arrest.  So - I'm typing.  This morning when I needed one desperately, I went to the basement and got on the treadmill.  I just did sit ups on my classroom floor.  My options to distract are limited and I feel trapped.  But, in the end, this too shall pass.  So, Day 1.  Just over 12 hours since my last cigarette.....Damn that seems like a freaking eternity.......No one could make this decision for me or give me enough reasons to quit or not to quit.  So, my decision, is to quit.  And to stay a quitter.  At this.  And I am going to make a damn good quitter.