Four more minutes of June 20th. A day that for as long as I can remember, has been celebrated by more with vigor. I loved your birthday. I used to bake you cakes and your favorite cookies. I loved you vigorously and never in a million years would have imagined not spending your day with you. You on the other hand hated your birthday. LOL> I remember you telling me a million times, it was just another day. Just another day to add a year to your life. I didn't get what you meant, when I was a kid. I loved birthdays. Mine, moms, Mike's, every birthday. It was a wonderful day. The day you entered the world and a day that checked off another 365 days you have presented the world with your presence. Who wouldn't love a birthday??
But I now get it. It really is just another day. The boys absolutely loved sending balloons to heaven. Logan can tell time now and decided that adults celebrate their birthdays at night, so we had to, absolutely had to, have our balloons sent to you by 4pm. That would give them at least 3 or 4 hours to get to heaven. To be there for your party that we couldn't attend. As Lucas said, even a rocketship couldn't get us there in time, and even if it could, Mommy couldn't afford it. LOL. Oh how those boys absolutely love and miss you. Your hugs, your screaming goodbye to them as a competition to see who could hear who last, all of it dad. They miss it all.
I, while I miss it too, I can't help but feel so incredibly angry that on this day, I can't celebrate with you. I can't share with you all that you should be here to witness. How selfish of me, right?? You are not here, and I am angry. So stupid.
All I know is, on days like this. Days that you should be here with us, days that I should be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, all I'm left with are tears I cry for you, all that you miss, all that I want to share with you in person, all that the boys have to offer you, all that mom is desperately trying to hold on to, all the Mike is trying to keep going, all of it. I just cry.
The only man, seriously, ONLY man, I could ever trust completely, never lied to me and was there without fail no matter what, is gone. No little girl should be without their dad. And truly, that is what I find myself feeling like daily anymore. A little girl that is lost. Nothing in my life ever seems to work out for my favor. That seems so incredibly selfish. I mean I have three wonderful, healthy little boys. And for that I am eternally grateful. But the innate fear I have of leaving them, showing them the loss of a parent I know, that I live with daily, is so incredibly overwhelming. Those are incomplete sentences because my thoughts are incomplete. Tonight I will write them more letters. More letters that get locked away in the safety deposit box for just in case. But what is so bad about that? The fact that I know, for a fact, that if something were to happen to me, they'd never see the letters. The letters I write of thoughts, joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams that I have for them. All because I chose a father for them. Well I guess I didn't really choose. God chose for me when against all odds I got pregnant with Logan. And you said those fateful words to me. Get married or get an abortion. I chose life. I chose Logan's life. I will NEVER for a second regret that choice. Nor will I regret my choice to do everything in my power to keep all of my children with the same father, or the choice to do everything I could to save my marriage. But the fact is dad, you aren't here, I couldn't save a marriage that wasn't based on love, nor would I want to. Then God, or you, or something unwilling, showed me what love really was. And because of other choices that aren't in my power -- I can't make that continue either. How unfair is that?
So through all of this awesome nonsense, the end result is 14 minutes of typing ramblings. Another day awaits me. Another day of love for the boys will prevail. Your birthday has come and gone without a hug from you. I am getting used to it. I didn't even cry as much as I thought I would. I can't hear the sound of your voice anymore either though. And that sucks. I pull out videos and hear a voice in the background and it takes minute to realize it is yours. Is that you telling me to move forward and forget so I'm not sad, or is it my mind blocking the sadness because it simply cannot take anymore? Who knows. Lord Knows I do not. All I know is I love you and miss you terribly. And this blog isn't doing anything to help me. My thoughts are probably better kept to myself.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Father's Day
One of two days in June I used to love. Now it is one of two days I dread. Why do specific days like these seem so hard? It isn't like I don't know that I don't have a father anymore to celebrate with. It is glaringly obvious. But this year especially, it is just another day to remind me that the one man that I knew I could always count on isn't here for me. The one man that would have never even considered lying to me or hurting me or not being there to catch my tears, is not here. I would literally trade anything for one second with my dad today. I need his hug more than anything in the world right now. I'd like to think that there is a heaven, he's there and watching me, but with that I also hate that if he can and is, he has got to be hurting up there watching me cry for hours on end over him not being here.
Today I have nothing. My sons' are with their dad, my mom is at 7 springs enjoying her day, and I am here, sitting alone on my couch feeling more alone in this world than I ever thought possible. But, I'll survive all of the tears. I will sit here for hours on end crying and then my boys' will come home and they will remind me that life is worth living and smiling for. Because no matter what is handed to me in this life, and what is taken away from me for no reason, the choice to move on and the choice to be happy is in my hands.
Today I have nothing. My sons' are with their dad, my mom is at 7 springs enjoying her day, and I am here, sitting alone on my couch feeling more alone in this world than I ever thought possible. But, I'll survive all of the tears. I will sit here for hours on end crying and then my boys' will come home and they will remind me that life is worth living and smiling for. Because no matter what is handed to me in this life, and what is taken away from me for no reason, the choice to move on and the choice to be happy is in my hands.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Unhappy
This past year has been incredibly unnerving to me. Everything I had once believed in with my life diminished as quickly as it seemed to appear. The days continually pass and I keep smiling and pressing on, but every day, literally every day, I find myself thinking and wondering what is the purpose. Not just the purpose, or my purpose in life, but the purpose in pursuing happiness, the purpose in waking up, the purpose in going to work, the purpose in paying the bills....when in the end, the end result is always the same for everyone.
I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, suicidal by an stretch of the imagination, so don't think I'm going there. I just think back to every time I would see my dad and tell him he was working too hard, going to kill himself with smoking, or whatever his vice was at the moment. But then I'd look at him, and he was happy. Truly happy. Sure there were many, many issues in his life with the business and just life in general, but he was happy. Anyone would ask him how he was doing and his response was always the same. Just living the dream. And he truly was. He was at every sporting event of mine growing up no matter how busy or tired he was, and he continued that legacy with my oldest son and my oldest nephew. I have no doubt in my mind he would have never missed a single event by any of the boys if he could help it. But he couldn't help it. He died. He crashed his plane and died, and killed two people in the process. The whole time searching for him it didn't make any sense. He was the most careful person I know when it comes to others. I never would have thought twice about trusting my kids' lives with him. In his hands I knew they would be safe. Yet, they wouldn't have been if I had let Logan go with him that weekend. Or Lucas or Kaden for that matter.
I have no idea why he flew when reports say they said the weather was bad. It makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever. I was comforted by the fact that he didn't know what was going to happen and didn't have time to think about what was happening - but recordings say otherwise. They have his voice saying he was hitting bad weather and in trouble. I have no doubt he was doing whatever he could to get out of the situation - and reports show he was doing the right thing. The altimeter froze and he didn't know he was literally flying straight in to the side of the mountain. How unfair is that? He knew how to read the instruments and was nearly certified and would have been fine - but it froze. I mean seriously, how fair is that?
June sucks. It is his birthday and Father's Day. Two days I without fail celebrated with him with love and care. I never once thought about not being with him on these days - most certainly not when I was just hitting 30. My life has had many, many twists and turns over the past year - I mean, I finally had enough nerve and sense to leave a man that I know had been cheating on me. Of course I was in denial for a very long time and swore up and down it wasn't happening. Hell I even told a few friends if I ever caught him I'd kill him. And while saying it, in the back of my mind I knew it was happening. So I went through a custody battle and divorce and it was just as I had expected, miserable. I still love him and hate that my family is split apart - but what I hate most is that I can't have my dad to lean on during it. Adult or not, that reality sucks.
I look at pictures of him and burst in to tears because it simply is not fair. It is unimaginable that he isn't here with me. The truth is, I live each day in fear I will leave my boys the way he left me. To the point that in a lock box I have letters I wrote them each for all of the mile stones in their lives that God forbid I am not here for, they will have a piece of me on those days. If that isn't morbid, I don't know what is.
I started writing this yesterday and rereading it, it is all over the map. It probably doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't have to - I need to get better at venting my feelings - the counselor says so. I apparently also need to learn to trust again - how does one do that?
I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, suicidal by an stretch of the imagination, so don't think I'm going there. I just think back to every time I would see my dad and tell him he was working too hard, going to kill himself with smoking, or whatever his vice was at the moment. But then I'd look at him, and he was happy. Truly happy. Sure there were many, many issues in his life with the business and just life in general, but he was happy. Anyone would ask him how he was doing and his response was always the same. Just living the dream. And he truly was. He was at every sporting event of mine growing up no matter how busy or tired he was, and he continued that legacy with my oldest son and my oldest nephew. I have no doubt in my mind he would have never missed a single event by any of the boys if he could help it. But he couldn't help it. He died. He crashed his plane and died, and killed two people in the process. The whole time searching for him it didn't make any sense. He was the most careful person I know when it comes to others. I never would have thought twice about trusting my kids' lives with him. In his hands I knew they would be safe. Yet, they wouldn't have been if I had let Logan go with him that weekend. Or Lucas or Kaden for that matter.
I have no idea why he flew when reports say they said the weather was bad. It makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever. I was comforted by the fact that he didn't know what was going to happen and didn't have time to think about what was happening - but recordings say otherwise. They have his voice saying he was hitting bad weather and in trouble. I have no doubt he was doing whatever he could to get out of the situation - and reports show he was doing the right thing. The altimeter froze and he didn't know he was literally flying straight in to the side of the mountain. How unfair is that? He knew how to read the instruments and was nearly certified and would have been fine - but it froze. I mean seriously, how fair is that?
June sucks. It is his birthday and Father's Day. Two days I without fail celebrated with him with love and care. I never once thought about not being with him on these days - most certainly not when I was just hitting 30. My life has had many, many twists and turns over the past year - I mean, I finally had enough nerve and sense to leave a man that I know had been cheating on me. Of course I was in denial for a very long time and swore up and down it wasn't happening. Hell I even told a few friends if I ever caught him I'd kill him. And while saying it, in the back of my mind I knew it was happening. So I went through a custody battle and divorce and it was just as I had expected, miserable. I still love him and hate that my family is split apart - but what I hate most is that I can't have my dad to lean on during it. Adult or not, that reality sucks.
I look at pictures of him and burst in to tears because it simply is not fair. It is unimaginable that he isn't here with me. The truth is, I live each day in fear I will leave my boys the way he left me. To the point that in a lock box I have letters I wrote them each for all of the mile stones in their lives that God forbid I am not here for, they will have a piece of me on those days. If that isn't morbid, I don't know what is.
I started writing this yesterday and rereading it, it is all over the map. It probably doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't have to - I need to get better at venting my feelings - the counselor says so. I apparently also need to learn to trust again - how does one do that?
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