Four more minutes of June 20th. A day that for as long as I can remember, has been celebrated by more with vigor. I loved your birthday. I used to bake you cakes and your favorite cookies. I loved you vigorously and never in a million years would have imagined not spending your day with you. You on the other hand hated your birthday. LOL> I remember you telling me a million times, it was just another day. Just another day to add a year to your life. I didn't get what you meant, when I was a kid. I loved birthdays. Mine, moms, Mike's, every birthday. It was a wonderful day. The day you entered the world and a day that checked off another 365 days you have presented the world with your presence. Who wouldn't love a birthday??
But I now get it. It really is just another day. The boys absolutely loved sending balloons to heaven. Logan can tell time now and decided that adults celebrate their birthdays at night, so we had to, absolutely had to, have our balloons sent to you by 4pm. That would give them at least 3 or 4 hours to get to heaven. To be there for your party that we couldn't attend. As Lucas said, even a rocketship couldn't get us there in time, and even if it could, Mommy couldn't afford it. LOL. Oh how those boys absolutely love and miss you. Your hugs, your screaming goodbye to them as a competition to see who could hear who last, all of it dad. They miss it all.
I, while I miss it too, I can't help but feel so incredibly angry that on this day, I can't celebrate with you. I can't share with you all that you should be here to witness. How selfish of me, right?? You are not here, and I am angry. So stupid.
All I know is, on days like this. Days that you should be here with us, days that I should be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, all I'm left with are tears I cry for you, all that you miss, all that I want to share with you in person, all that the boys have to offer you, all that mom is desperately trying to hold on to, all the Mike is trying to keep going, all of it. I just cry.
The only man, seriously, ONLY man, I could ever trust completely, never lied to me and was there without fail no matter what, is gone. No little girl should be without their dad. And truly, that is what I find myself feeling like daily anymore. A little girl that is lost. Nothing in my life ever seems to work out for my favor. That seems so incredibly selfish. I mean I have three wonderful, healthy little boys. And for that I am eternally grateful. But the innate fear I have of leaving them, showing them the loss of a parent I know, that I live with daily, is so incredibly overwhelming. Those are incomplete sentences because my thoughts are incomplete. Tonight I will write them more letters. More letters that get locked away in the safety deposit box for just in case. But what is so bad about that? The fact that I know, for a fact, that if something were to happen to me, they'd never see the letters. The letters I write of thoughts, joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams that I have for them. All because I chose a father for them. Well I guess I didn't really choose. God chose for me when against all odds I got pregnant with Logan. And you said those fateful words to me. Get married or get an abortion. I chose life. I chose Logan's life. I will NEVER for a second regret that choice. Nor will I regret my choice to do everything in my power to keep all of my children with the same father, or the choice to do everything I could to save my marriage. But the fact is dad, you aren't here, I couldn't save a marriage that wasn't based on love, nor would I want to. Then God, or you, or something unwilling, showed me what love really was. And because of other choices that aren't in my power -- I can't make that continue either. How unfair is that?
So through all of this awesome nonsense, the end result is 14 minutes of typing ramblings. Another day awaits me. Another day of love for the boys will prevail. Your birthday has come and gone without a hug from you. I am getting used to it. I didn't even cry as much as I thought I would. I can't hear the sound of your voice anymore either though. And that sucks. I pull out videos and hear a voice in the background and it takes minute to realize it is yours. Is that you telling me to move forward and forget so I'm not sad, or is it my mind blocking the sadness because it simply cannot take anymore? Who knows. Lord Knows I do not. All I know is I love you and miss you terribly. And this blog isn't doing anything to help me. My thoughts are probably better kept to myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment