Today stinks.

I really, really miss my dad today.  I don't know why today.  How do kids lose their parent early on and survive? I am a parent, an adult.  I know life and death go hand in hand.  Why can I not rationalize that I really will never see my dad again.  I look at pictures and it is still seems so freaking surreal. I beg daily to have him back for one more day.  Just one more time to tell him I love him and hear him say it back.  I used to be able to hear his voice in my head.  It's only been 5 months and it is already fading from me.  I hate it.  I really hate it.

Logan's Letter

Logan's Letter

Honestly, I think the letter is self explanatory.  My oldest son, just turned 8 in February, wrote this.  Not only is his handwriting awesome, but the content of the letter literally made many cry.  I really hope Pappy is getting to meet lots of people up in heaven too buddy :-( God do I miss him.

My First Project W/O My Dad

I did well but it sucked.  My dad has always been super handy.  I mean he started out doing hand made, real kitchen cabinets and learned how to build houses from foundation to finish.  He built a business with my mom from the ground up.  When he died he was doing quadruple the work and had 15 employees.  So, when I had a project, I naturally called him and he usually did the majority of it.

A million times I would start a project only to call him to come finish it....like the shed, fireplace mantle, garbage disposal...just to name a quick few! He knew when I called he would end up having to come and finish up and I think he enjoyed it, at least at this point I hope so.

So anyway, for whatever reason I decided Saturday morning that I was going to rip up the carpet in the basement and put down laminate hardwood flooring :-) Yep, oh, and did I mention it had to be done no matter what by Monday for an appraiser to come over? and to do this we had to move all of the toys down afterward and redo the room the toys were coming from.  This should have been a two or three weekend project at least, I did it in 48 hours with all three kids under tow :-)

I picked up the phone a bunch of times to call and ask a question, obviously there was no call to make as you can't call heaven or hell wherever he is.  I think it went well.  I'm sure he would have done a better job and the things I had difficulty with, I'm sure he would have breezed right through.  But over all I think he would be proud that I was able to complete it.

I'm on a mission now though - all home improvements must be done.  There is a drive in me that I have to get it all done.  I think because there were so many things that dad and I had planned to do to the house before this summer.   Every time I look at the things and think about the fun I would have had doing the stuff with him and including the kids it makes me really sad.  So if I whip through it maybe I won't think about it so much?  Who knows, but I am going to be a home improvement queen until this stuff is all done!