The problem with the pain of losing someone is figuring out how to let go. It's been nearly three years since my dad and I had our last conversation, the last time I saw him. Yet, I still wake up with terrible nightmares from it. I was on vacation with my boys over the past few weeks, one of our stops was the National Air and Space Museum.....while walking through there I swear I saw my dad. Brought me chills and tears like you wouldn't believe. Scared my oldest because he couldn't figure out why I was literally stuck in time. I couldn't move. The side/back of that man's face and body - the way he walked - it drew my attention and it took all I had not to go running and crying to him. It's like that so many times. I've realized I will never have closure with losing him. I will never see his lifeless body to prove to my forever inquisitive mind that he is truly gone. So how will I let go? The same way I will let go of many things - knowing they won't be - know I can't force something. The constant emptiness and hurt inside has to stop.
So how do you let go of what you never thought you would have to? If anyone has that answer - I would love the advice. Because I need to let go. The nightmares would stop for a while. Comforted by what I thought would keep me comforted forever. Nothing is forever is a lie. This emptiness and pain. The loss of a loved one - through death or otherwise - that is forever. Or so it seems now. So live off of the words my dad made me live by - Smile and no one knows what you are thinking. Except he was wrong, it doesn't take a rocket scientist or a homeless guy off the street to see the emptiness in my eyes and the constant pain and hurt and loss.
But doing what I do best keeps it all going. Smile, force myself to laugh, enjoy every second possible with the boys and keep on going through each and every day. Stop staring at the phone hoping it is all a bad dream and eventually the phone will ring and tell me that. I know that it won't. It never will.
