11/12/13

Really, really, really missing my dad right now.

And wondering why life choices get to be dictated by others.  That really bothers me.  My life is not the way I want it to be or thought it would be is a better way to word that, because of choices others made.  I think that's pretty damn unfair.  And hurtful.  But knowing life isn't fair, and people will always make their own selfish choices whether they directly effect others or not, is a part of life.

Sad today.  Sad a lot of days lately.  With my dad's death day anniversary, the burial anniversary, the holidays coming, Kaden making major life strides.  Logan and Lucas wanting to share things with him.  Taking the kids to the cemetery, it might just kill me inside.  But as always, I will smile.  I will struggle, but I will make it.

11/12/13.  What a neat date.  What a neat date to wake up and get ready for work.  Have a two year old poop out of his diaper with diarrhea and have to scrub him and the kitchen floor to be late for work.  What a day to realize that loving someone can't be a one way street and somethings will just never change.

Happiness.  Within myself and my children.  Always.

November 4, 2013

Sometimes, sitting and thinking and wondering kills a persons inside.  Most times, giving up and letting go is the most impossible thing to do to make sure that you can survive.  Figuring out where to go after dreams are shattered is the most difficult, confusing road you can possibly have to endeavor.  Hiding from it, running from it, pretending it's not true, will not do anything for anyone.  I still hide and pretend that someday my dad will be there for me.  How long will it take me to let that go? Who knows.  I do know that I am getting better at letting go after repeated disappointments. And repeated hurt. 

People project their anger at themselves to those they hurt, only doing further damage.  Why don't people realize that before it's too late.  When it is constantly pointed out.  Begging and pleading won't ever make a difference.  A person has to actually want what they say they want and act upon it.

Conversations my dad and I used to have included all of this.  Along with how to work on making my marriage work for the boys and for myself, even though he didn't agree with it in the first place.  I can hear the conversations we'd be having right now.  And, regardless of what happens going forward, he WOULD be proud of me.  For sticking up for myself, for not allowing myself to be lied to, disrespected.  But at the same time, allowing myself to be open to change instead of the paralyzing fear that kept me stuck.   I miss my dad.  The only person I've ever really been able to talk to.  And that is sad.  The missing my dad, and the fact that I feel like I haven't been able to ever talk to anyone else.  That needs to change.