Halloween....

Logan woke up this morning so incredibly excited realizing that Halloween was this week.  He began telling stories as Kaden and Lucas woke up.  It was nearly 6:30 and I had already ran 7 miles on the treadmill, lifted, cleaned and had breakfast cooked (the awesomeness of insomnia!) He was in the middle of a story about the one time that Pappy and Grammy came to hand out candy at our old house and he was SO scary!

It was the first time I remembered my dad ever dressing up for Halloween.  And it is a memory that is apparently going to carry on forever in my baby's mind.  That and how much he wished pappy had done it again after that.

That year, my mom and dad were going to a party after, but they had always come to my house to hand out candy so I could take the boys trick or treating and still have candy at my house.  This particular year, dad was elated that one child made the trek up our cul-d-sac road.  (actually he was annoyed he didn't just go trick or treating with us.) 

So anyway, we are getting ready to go, and there is a knock at the door.  Of course Logan (almost 5 at the time) goes RUNNING to get it because PAPPY IS HERE!!!!!!....except my dad looked like the grim reaper....or something.  And he wasn't talking.  He was DEAD silent - Logan kept saying, "Pappy, is that you??" Then Logan backed up....far...and Pappy just slowly, very slowly taking one step forward.  One after another.  I started to get scared.  My mom wasn't visible and I was starting to freak out we opened the door to a lunatic expecting my dad.  It felt like an eternity, Logan because crying, I was freaking out and picked up the phone to call 911, Lucas (just under 1) was absolutely terrified crawling/screaming away. 

That man let this go on until I had almost completely dialed 911, the boys and I had ran to the "big" room and slammed the door (which of course didn't shut/lock properly) my back was pressed against it....And then I hear the voice "HAHA Kristi Eileen you are so incredibly gulible.  Kris, get out here, open the door and let Pappy hug the boys!!"  I swear - it's funny now, but in that moment, going from happy dad was there to scared literally shitless to relieve in a matter of minutes. 

But the boys loved it.  Well Logan.  Lucas still doesn't remember it, but will pretend he does.  Like he does with most of the stories about Pappy.  Kaden and Lucas will tell stories.  Lucas more so.  "remember that time" well no, buddy, I don't because it didn't happen.  But I don't say that.  I just repeat, Pappy loved us all very much.  And he absolutely LOVED Halloween.  Miss him almost more than anything in this world. 

Different Meaning

Words have a different meaning lately.  You look for that one reason to keep holding on to something or someone, looking for a meaning or a reason to things.  The truth is, the statement "everything happens for a reason" has always been a line of crap to me.  Things happen because of actions or reactions.  So, when the reason isn't easily shown, your mind works wonders in coming up with a reason.  Those reasons are sometimes true and sometimes not.  But, who is to say what is true or not true.

That's my rambling journal entry from almost two months ago.  Weird it popped up today while having a conversation with my brother.  I know you read this sometimes big brother - so please know, you stopping by tonight and being with me, meant the world.  And you don't know what you prevented me from doing.  That hug and I love you, and the sincerity of it, was needed more than you can possibly imagine.  Do it again sometime :-)

Another.....

I was browsing Facebook yesterday and realized I had missed a post my cousin (Tara) had posted last Friday.  I'm glad I missed it.  Because it would have just made me even more angry and sad.  My dad's death made me question everything I used to believe in with faith, God, life after death, etc.  I had always hoped, believed, that loved ones do look after each other when they pass.  What I didn't realize was they pick and choose I guess.

Friday night, Senior night at Leechburg.  Leechburg WON the game.  Score of 61 to 25.  Why is this important?  Oh, well Leechburg typically sucks, let alone to score THAT many points.  What is 61?  The number my dad wore all 4 years he played, starred, on the Leechburg football team.  Everyone posting about how nice is was Uncle Mike was there to support Tara, blah blah blah.  Hey dad, thanks for being here or showing me any sort of support when you know if you were living I'd be leaning on you the most.  Thanks for waiting a week for me to see the post, and hurt even more. 

So, another case of, I may look like him.  I may act like him.  I may have needed him and trusted in him.  But I am NOT him.  And I will never get to say half of what needs to say.  I will always have unanswered questions.  He's the lucky one.  Whether there is a heaven or not, whether there is an after life or not.  He is the lucky one.  Not here to see the family that isn't a family anymore.  The hatred.  The fighting.  Everyone looking at me to be the glue because I am "just like him"  Odd how my mom doesn't even want to be around me and only wants to find comfort in stuff that isn't a reminder of him.  And THAT includes me.  Seems I am the only thing or person that is the problem.  I accept it. It is what it is and what it will always be.

Title

Over the past few days I have had some time to talk to family that I have not had the chance to in a long time, visit with my grandma and see my mentor through high school.  It leaves for a lot of reflecting.  And pain.  And realization that when I titled my blog, some day some how family - in my world there would be a family again.  The truth of the matter is, family is what you make of it.  Will I ever have the extended family that we had when my dad was alive? No.  I will not.  That is a fact.  Will I ever have the nuclear family of mom, dad and kids living under the same roof? No.  But the boys and I are a family.  And we will make it.  Some how, some way.