Words have a different meaning lately. You look for that one reason to keep holding on to something or someone, looking for a meaning or a reason to things. The truth is, the statement "everything happens for a reason" has always been a line of crap to me. Things happen because of actions or reactions. So, when the reason isn't easily shown, your mind works wonders in coming up with a reason. Those reasons are sometimes true and sometimes not. But, who is to say what is true or not true.
That's my rambling journal entry from almost two months ago. Weird it popped up today while having a conversation with my brother. I know you read this sometimes big brother - so please know, you stopping by tonight and being with me, meant the world. And you don't know what you prevented me from doing. That hug and I love you, and the sincerity of it, was needed more than you can possibly imagine. Do it again sometime :-)
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Another.....
I was browsing Facebook yesterday and realized I had missed a post my cousin (Tara) had posted last Friday. I'm glad I missed it. Because it would have just made me even more angry and sad. My dad's death made me question everything I used to believe in with faith, God, life after death, etc. I had always hoped, believed, that loved ones do look after each other when they pass. What I didn't realize was they pick and choose I guess.
Friday night, Senior night at Leechburg. Leechburg WON the game. Score of 61 to 25. Why is this important? Oh, well Leechburg typically sucks, let alone to score THAT many points. What is 61? The number my dad wore all 4 years he played, starred, on the Leechburg football team. Everyone posting about how nice is was Uncle Mike was there to support Tara, blah blah blah. Hey dad, thanks for being here or showing me any sort of support when you know if you were living I'd be leaning on you the most. Thanks for waiting a week for me to see the post, and hurt even more.
So, another case of, I may look like him. I may act like him. I may have needed him and trusted in him. But I am NOT him. And I will never get to say half of what needs to say. I will always have unanswered questions. He's the lucky one. Whether there is a heaven or not, whether there is an after life or not. He is the lucky one. Not here to see the family that isn't a family anymore. The hatred. The fighting. Everyone looking at me to be the glue because I am "just like him" Odd how my mom doesn't even want to be around me and only wants to find comfort in stuff that isn't a reminder of him. And THAT includes me. Seems I am the only thing or person that is the problem. I accept it. It is what it is and what it will always be.
Friday night, Senior night at Leechburg. Leechburg WON the game. Score of 61 to 25. Why is this important? Oh, well Leechburg typically sucks, let alone to score THAT many points. What is 61? The number my dad wore all 4 years he played, starred, on the Leechburg football team. Everyone posting about how nice is was Uncle Mike was there to support Tara, blah blah blah. Hey dad, thanks for being here or showing me any sort of support when you know if you were living I'd be leaning on you the most. Thanks for waiting a week for me to see the post, and hurt even more.
So, another case of, I may look like him. I may act like him. I may have needed him and trusted in him. But I am NOT him. And I will never get to say half of what needs to say. I will always have unanswered questions. He's the lucky one. Whether there is a heaven or not, whether there is an after life or not. He is the lucky one. Not here to see the family that isn't a family anymore. The hatred. The fighting. Everyone looking at me to be the glue because I am "just like him" Odd how my mom doesn't even want to be around me and only wants to find comfort in stuff that isn't a reminder of him. And THAT includes me. Seems I am the only thing or person that is the problem. I accept it. It is what it is and what it will always be.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Title
Over the past few days I have had some time to talk to family that I have not had the chance to in a long time, visit with my grandma and see my mentor through high school. It leaves for a lot of reflecting. And pain. And realization that when I titled my blog, some day some how family - in my world there would be a family again. The truth of the matter is, family is what you make of it. Will I ever have the extended family that we had when my dad was alive? No. I will not. That is a fact. Will I ever have the nuclear family of mom, dad and kids living under the same roof? No. But the boys and I are a family. And we will make it. Some how, some way.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Back at It.
Living. Functioning. Every day is a struggle. Then I look at them. See their hurt. And my blind anger kicks in and gets me through the day. One day, I will wake up and the hurt won't be there and it will be a huge weight lifted off of me. September 21st. Three years ago, my dad was a live, my parents were happy, the family wasn't torn apart at the seams. Life was pretty good and what wasn't good was easily defrayed by all the good. How is it now that what little good there is is defrayed by the constant not so good. There has to be a turning point coming up soon. There has to be.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Letting Go.
The problem with the pain of losing someone is figuring out how to let go. It's been nearly three years since my dad and I had our last conversation, the last time I saw him. Yet, I still wake up with terrible nightmares from it. I was on vacation with my boys over the past few weeks, one of our stops was the National Air and Space Museum.....while walking through there I swear I saw my dad. Brought me chills and tears like you wouldn't believe. Scared my oldest because he couldn't figure out why I was literally stuck in time. I couldn't move. The side/back of that man's face and body - the way he walked - it drew my attention and it took all I had not to go running and crying to him. It's like that so many times. I've realized I will never have closure with losing him. I will never see his lifeless body to prove to my forever inquisitive mind that he is truly gone. So how will I let go? The same way I will let go of many things - knowing they won't be - know I can't force something. The constant emptiness and hurt inside has to stop.
So how do you let go of what you never thought you would have to? If anyone has that answer - I would love the advice. Because I need to let go. The nightmares would stop for a while. Comforted by what I thought would keep me comforted forever. Nothing is forever is a lie. This emptiness and pain. The loss of a loved one - through death or otherwise - that is forever. Or so it seems now. So live off of the words my dad made me live by - Smile and no one knows what you are thinking. Except he was wrong, it doesn't take a rocket scientist or a homeless guy off the street to see the emptiness in my eyes and the constant pain and hurt and loss.
But doing what I do best keeps it all going. Smile, force myself to laugh, enjoy every second possible with the boys and keep on going through each and every day. Stop staring at the phone hoping it is all a bad dream and eventually the phone will ring and tell me that. I know that it won't. It never will.
So how do you let go of what you never thought you would have to? If anyone has that answer - I would love the advice. Because I need to let go. The nightmares would stop for a while. Comforted by what I thought would keep me comforted forever. Nothing is forever is a lie. This emptiness and pain. The loss of a loved one - through death or otherwise - that is forever. Or so it seems now. So live off of the words my dad made me live by - Smile and no one knows what you are thinking. Except he was wrong, it doesn't take a rocket scientist or a homeless guy off the street to see the emptiness in my eyes and the constant pain and hurt and loss.
But doing what I do best keeps it all going. Smile, force myself to laugh, enjoy every second possible with the boys and keep on going through each and every day. Stop staring at the phone hoping it is all a bad dream and eventually the phone will ring and tell me that. I know that it won't. It never will.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
That last conversation
I should be writing about the benefit for my dad, Laura and Chas that was held this past weekend, but I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet - Sitting up late at night, not able to sleep and I put on the Bachelorette. It's the episode with Andi, where she finds out that one of the men she sent home died in an accident. And now at almost one am I am sitting here crying my eyes out. Her phrase "that was my last conversation with him"
For whatever reason all it made me think of was my last conversations with my dad. So I'm sobbing. Because it actually took me a minute to remember. It hasn't even been 3 years and I am already forgetting. So I'm documenting it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011. My dad hated Pizza Hut buffet. But knew I loved it. Back then they had a dinner buffet every Wednesday. Several times I'd text or call him to let him know that I was going if he wanted to join the boys and I. He hadn't been able to in the past. For whatever reason, he called me that Wednesday and said he had my nephews and was going to take them - could I bring the boys. Kaden (5 months old at the time) was so fussy, but we were already in the car, and I wanted to see my dad. Hell, maybe I just wanted a break, I wanted Kaden to bond with my dad so, so badly. He was the only grandchild that wouldn't just sleep on my dads chest and I knew, even though he'd never say it, bothered him.
He spent so much time with Kaden. Tried to help me so much, knowing how alone I felt, yet Kaden wanted NOTHING other than me. So we went.
I remember during dinner, Kaden stayed in his car seat - all the boys were loud and rambunctious and enjoying their time with Pappy. It was Lucas's first experience with desert pizza, and he loved it. In retrospect, it was an awesome hour and a half. At the time I was stressed and trying to enjoy it and relax. I'll never forget the goodbye. It was the last time I saw my dad. It wasn't the last conversation - but it was the last time he held me in his arms in his big bear hug saying goodbye. I will never forget it. I buckled all the kids in the car and he got my nephews in his car. And stood by my driver's side door waiting to hug me. I thanked him for dinner and told him how much I loved him. And said goodbye. The last time I saw my dad was September 28, 2011. That Thursday and Friday I was at my parents house but our paths didn't cross.
Some how that day, that conversation, to me is the last. In reality, I spoke with him on the phone when he was in Myrtle Beach -stupid stuff, how is Kaden, how is Jesse (their dog that was staying with us) it couldn't have been more than a 3 minute conversation. How could I have let that last true time I talk to him pass without any real meaning. And how in the world can I forget his words from that day. I don't get it. I never will. I miss my dad. I hurt constantly from it. I'm not learning to deal with it. And I hate it. Alone all of the time and I will forever blame him for leaving me stranded in this world. But will always love him and thank him for that Wednesday night. How the stars crossed and lined up perfectly to make us be able to be together that night.
I love you dad.
For whatever reason all it made me think of was my last conversations with my dad. So I'm sobbing. Because it actually took me a minute to remember. It hasn't even been 3 years and I am already forgetting. So I'm documenting it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011. My dad hated Pizza Hut buffet. But knew I loved it. Back then they had a dinner buffet every Wednesday. Several times I'd text or call him to let him know that I was going if he wanted to join the boys and I. He hadn't been able to in the past. For whatever reason, he called me that Wednesday and said he had my nephews and was going to take them - could I bring the boys. Kaden (5 months old at the time) was so fussy, but we were already in the car, and I wanted to see my dad. Hell, maybe I just wanted a break, I wanted Kaden to bond with my dad so, so badly. He was the only grandchild that wouldn't just sleep on my dads chest and I knew, even though he'd never say it, bothered him.
He spent so much time with Kaden. Tried to help me so much, knowing how alone I felt, yet Kaden wanted NOTHING other than me. So we went.
I remember during dinner, Kaden stayed in his car seat - all the boys were loud and rambunctious and enjoying their time with Pappy. It was Lucas's first experience with desert pizza, and he loved it. In retrospect, it was an awesome hour and a half. At the time I was stressed and trying to enjoy it and relax. I'll never forget the goodbye. It was the last time I saw my dad. It wasn't the last conversation - but it was the last time he held me in his arms in his big bear hug saying goodbye. I will never forget it. I buckled all the kids in the car and he got my nephews in his car. And stood by my driver's side door waiting to hug me. I thanked him for dinner and told him how much I loved him. And said goodbye. The last time I saw my dad was September 28, 2011. That Thursday and Friday I was at my parents house but our paths didn't cross.
Some how that day, that conversation, to me is the last. In reality, I spoke with him on the phone when he was in Myrtle Beach -stupid stuff, how is Kaden, how is Jesse (their dog that was staying with us) it couldn't have been more than a 3 minute conversation. How could I have let that last true time I talk to him pass without any real meaning. And how in the world can I forget his words from that day. I don't get it. I never will. I miss my dad. I hurt constantly from it. I'm not learning to deal with it. And I hate it. Alone all of the time and I will forever blame him for leaving me stranded in this world. But will always love him and thank him for that Wednesday night. How the stars crossed and lined up perfectly to make us be able to be together that night.
I love you dad.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Living the Dream
Written last year around this time. From my journal on my computer:
July 17th I will be holding a baseball clinic, game and 5K run to try and raise money for a scholarship fund for my dad, Laura and Chas. In their memory. It's with the Potter Baseball tour - which is a really, really great thing. I know all of this. Yet the days keep coming and the event day is closer and I just keep procrastinating on everything. The memories this riles up - it is supposed to be good, helpful almost. But so far, it isn't. I'm caught in the days passing, flying even, by. Caught in people that care about me wanting to help, yet me not being able to willingly accept it because, it would makes others be bothered. Family drama, drama with my kids, drama with the man I love. There is seriously so much drama, I can't really handle it. I know I am not going to want to do this next year, but I will. Because, how can I not now. The first one hasn't even passed. I know the issues that will come up. They are inevitable. I know I can't avoid them. I am so damn sick of trying so hard to please everyone. In the end, there isn't pleasing everyone - and at some point, you have to wake up and realize that people that are supposed to love and support you and care about you, or not supposed to, but you want them to so damn bad - you just can't will someone to do that.
A small piece of that journal entry. I can feel the pain and hurt from so many angles as I read it again today. As I did the last few days. And here i am again - the weekend of the event. This year other things added to it, with a softball tournament, a new location, more concessions, a host of new issues. I am just constantly on the run. And I love it. Because I can without a doubt make it through if I do not have to think. Come Sunday, July 13th, however, when this is all over, I will be gone. At least until August 16th when I'm forced to go back to work. This place isn't for me. Never was. I should have never come here.
July 17th I will be holding a baseball clinic, game and 5K run to try and raise money for a scholarship fund for my dad, Laura and Chas. In their memory. It's with the Potter Baseball tour - which is a really, really great thing. I know all of this. Yet the days keep coming and the event day is closer and I just keep procrastinating on everything. The memories this riles up - it is supposed to be good, helpful almost. But so far, it isn't. I'm caught in the days passing, flying even, by. Caught in people that care about me wanting to help, yet me not being able to willingly accept it because, it would makes others be bothered. Family drama, drama with my kids, drama with the man I love. There is seriously so much drama, I can't really handle it. I know I am not going to want to do this next year, but I will. Because, how can I not now. The first one hasn't even passed. I know the issues that will come up. They are inevitable. I know I can't avoid them. I am so damn sick of trying so hard to please everyone. In the end, there isn't pleasing everyone - and at some point, you have to wake up and realize that people that are supposed to love and support you and care about you, or not supposed to, but you want them to so damn bad - you just can't will someone to do that.
A small piece of that journal entry. I can feel the pain and hurt from so many angles as I read it again today. As I did the last few days. And here i am again - the weekend of the event. This year other things added to it, with a softball tournament, a new location, more concessions, a host of new issues. I am just constantly on the run. And I love it. Because I can without a doubt make it through if I do not have to think. Come Sunday, July 13th, however, when this is all over, I will be gone. At least until August 16th when I'm forced to go back to work. This place isn't for me. Never was. I should have never come here.
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