Happy Birthday Daddy.

Four more minutes of June 20th.  A day that for as long as I can remember, has been celebrated by more with vigor.  I loved your birthday.  I used to bake you cakes and your favorite cookies.  I loved you vigorously and never in a million years would have imagined not spending your day with you.  You on the other hand hated your birthday. LOL>  I remember you telling me a million times, it was just another day.  Just another day to add a year to your life.  I didn't get what you meant, when I was a kid.  I loved birthdays.  Mine, moms, Mike's, every birthday.  It was a wonderful day.  The day you entered the world and a day that checked off another 365 days you have presented the world with your presence.  Who wouldn't love a birthday??

But I now get it.  It really is just another day.  The boys absolutely loved sending balloons to heaven.  Logan can tell time now and decided that adults celebrate their birthdays at night, so we had to, absolutely had to, have our balloons sent to you by 4pm. That would give them at least 3 or 4 hours to get to heaven.  To be there for your party that we couldn't attend.  As Lucas said, even a rocketship couldn't get us there in time, and even if it could, Mommy couldn't afford it. LOL. Oh how those boys absolutely love and miss you.  Your hugs, your screaming goodbye to them as a competition to see who could hear who last, all of it dad.  They miss it all.

I, while I miss it too, I can't help but feel so incredibly angry that on this day, I can't celebrate with you.  I can't share with you all that you should be here to witness.  How selfish of me, right?? You are not here, and I am angry.  So stupid.

All I know is, on days like this.  Days that you should be here with us, days that I should be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, all I'm left with are tears  I cry for you, all that you miss, all that I want to share with you in person, all that the boys have to offer you, all that mom is desperately trying to hold on to, all the Mike is trying to keep going, all of it.  I just cry.

The only man, seriously, ONLY man, I could ever trust completely, never lied to me and was there without fail no matter what, is gone.  No little girl should be without their dad.  And truly, that is what I find myself feeling like daily anymore.  A little girl that is lost.  Nothing in my life ever seems to work out for my favor.  That seems so incredibly selfish.  I mean I have three wonderful, healthy little boys.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  But the innate fear I have of leaving them, showing them the loss of a parent I know, that I live with daily, is so incredibly overwhelming.  Those are incomplete sentences because my thoughts are incomplete.  Tonight I will write them more letters.  More letters that get locked away in the safety deposit box for just in case.  But what is so bad about that? The fact that I know, for a fact, that if something were to happen to me, they'd never see the letters.  The letters I write of thoughts, joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams that I have for them.  All because I chose a father for them.  Well I guess I didn't really choose.  God chose for me when against all odds I got pregnant with Logan.  And you said those fateful words to me.  Get married or get an abortion.  I chose life.  I chose Logan's life.  I will NEVER for a second regret that choice.  Nor will I regret my choice to do everything in my power to keep all of my children with the same father, or the choice to do everything I could to save my marriage.  But the fact is dad, you aren't here, I couldn't save a marriage that wasn't based on love, nor would I want to.  Then God, or you, or something unwilling, showed me what love really was.  And because of other choices that aren't in my power  -- I can't make that continue either.  How unfair is that?

So through all of this awesome nonsense, the end result is 14 minutes of typing ramblings.  Another day awaits me.  Another day of love for the boys will prevail.  Your birthday has come and gone without a hug from you.  I am getting used to it.  I didn't even cry as much as I thought I would.  I can't hear the sound of your voice anymore either though.  And that sucks.  I pull out videos and hear a voice in the background and it takes  minute to realize it is yours.  Is that you telling me to move forward and forget so I'm not sad, or is it my mind blocking the sadness because it simply cannot take anymore? Who knows.  Lord Knows I do not.  All I know is I love you and miss you terribly.  And this blog isn't doing anything to help me.  My thoughts are probably better kept to myself.

Father's Day

One of two days in June I used to love.  Now it is one of two days I dread.  Why do specific days like these seem so hard? It isn't like I don't know that I don't have a father anymore to celebrate with.  It is glaringly obvious.  But this year especially, it is just another day to remind me that the one man that I knew I could always count on isn't here for me.  The one man that would have never even considered lying to me or hurting me or not being there to catch my tears, is not here.  I would literally trade anything for one second with my dad today.  I need his hug more than anything in the world right now.  I'd like to think that there is a heaven, he's there and watching me, but with that I also hate that if he can and is, he has got to be hurting up there watching me cry for hours on end over him not being here. 

Today I have nothing.  My sons' are with their dad, my mom is at 7 springs enjoying her day, and I am here, sitting alone on my couch feeling more alone in this world than I ever thought possible.  But, I'll survive all of the tears.  I will sit here for hours on end crying and then my boys' will come home and they will remind me that life is worth living and smiling for.  Because no matter what is handed to me in this life, and what is taken away from me for no reason, the choice to move on and the choice to be happy is in my hands.

Unhappy

This past year has been incredibly unnerving to me.  Everything I had once believed in with my life diminished as quickly as it seemed to appear.  The days continually pass and I keep smiling and pressing on, but every day, literally every day, I find myself thinking and wondering what is the purpose.  Not just the purpose, or my purpose in life, but the purpose in pursuing happiness, the purpose in waking up, the purpose in going to work, the purpose in paying the bills....when in the end, the end result is always the same for everyone.

I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, suicidal by an stretch of the imagination, so don't think I'm going there.  I just think back to every time I would see my dad and tell him he was working too hard, going to kill himself with smoking, or whatever his vice was at the moment.  But then I'd look at him, and he was happy.  Truly happy.  Sure there were many, many issues in his life with the business and just life in general, but he was happy.  Anyone would ask him how he was doing and his response was always the same.  Just living the dream.  And he truly was.  He was at every sporting event of mine growing up no matter how busy or tired he was, and he continued that legacy with my oldest son and my oldest nephew.  I have no doubt in my mind he would have never missed a single event by any of the boys if he could help it.  But he couldn't help it.  He died.  He crashed his plane and died, and killed two people in the process.  The whole time searching for him it didn't make any sense.  He was the most careful person I know when it comes to others.  I never would have thought twice about trusting my kids' lives with him.  In his hands I knew they would be safe.  Yet, they wouldn't have been if I had let Logan go with him that weekend.  Or Lucas or Kaden for that matter.

I have no idea why he flew when reports say they said the weather was bad.  It makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever.  I was comforted by the fact that he didn't know what was going to happen and didn't have time to think about what was happening - but recordings say otherwise.  They have his voice saying he was hitting bad weather and in trouble.  I have no doubt he was doing whatever he could to get out of the situation - and reports show he was doing the right thing.  The altimeter froze and he didn't know he was literally flying straight in to the side of the mountain.  How unfair is that? He knew how to read the instruments and was nearly certified and would have been fine - but it froze.  I mean seriously, how fair is that?

June sucks.  It is his birthday and Father's Day.  Two days I without fail celebrated with him with love and care.  I never once thought about not being with him on these days - most certainly not when I was just hitting 30.  My life has had many, many twists and turns over the past year - I mean, I finally had enough nerve and sense to leave a man that I know had been cheating on me.  Of course I was in denial for a very long time and swore up and down it wasn't happening.  Hell I even told a few friends if I ever caught him I'd kill him.  And while saying it, in the back of my mind I knew it was happening.  So I went through a custody battle and divorce and it was just as I had expected, miserable.  I still love him and hate that my family is split apart - but what I hate most is that I can't have my dad to lean on during it.  Adult or not, that reality sucks.

I look at pictures of him and burst in to tears because it simply is not fair.  It is unimaginable that he isn't here with me.  The truth is, I live each day in fear I will leave my boys the way he left me.  To the point that in a lock box I have letters I wrote them each for all of the mile stones in their lives that God forbid I am not here for, they will have a piece of me on those days.  If that isn't morbid, I don't know what is.

I started writing this yesterday and rereading it, it is all over the map.  It probably doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't have to - I need to get better at venting my feelings - the counselor says so.  I apparently also need to learn to trust again - how does one do that?

Anger

Title says it all, this is a short post, at least as I start typing this that is how I intend it to be.

I'm angry.  I'm so angry and I don't know how to get passed it. (passed or past? why can't I ever remember which one applies?) Apparently it is a stage in the grieving process....how do I get beyond this stage?  I am so angry it is almost putting me in to a depression.  I look in the mirror and hate who I have become.  I am still a good mother, friend, wife, daughter and sister.  Still a productive member of society...but, I don't sleep, I don't eat and I'm miserable inside.  I want to go in the woods and scream bloody murder and smash things.  Anger is a very moving emotion.  I wish it would move right on past me. (again with the past?? right or wrong usage?) 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Letter to my dad, as directed by Counselor...

And apparently I had to write one too - mine is a bit longer...if you want to skip mine and see what my son said, read below...I do not think it helped me at all...it just made me more angry and sad I think. Who knows, maybe it will help in the future?

 

Dear Dad,

I am so hurt and sad that you left us.  It isn’t fair.  You meant everything to me.  You were the dad that every little girl could ever want.  I wish I could think of a single memory that was my favorite but there were so many.  Watching you with my boys and seeing the joy they brought you lit up my world.  Knowing that Kaden will grow up not knowing you, Lucas will only have memories we tell him and Logan having such distant memories will hurt me forever.  Watching mom suffer through losing you and navigating life without you is torture each and every day.  The mess that is left with the business that is taking Mike, Mom and I months to clear up and make everything run smoothly brings back every hurtful memory daily a thousand times over.  I wish that you knew how much I missed you, how much I regret not calling Sunday when I thought about it 15 times to tell you that the weather back here was bad and Jesse was fine with us so maybe you would have stayed one more day and not been on that flight pattern.  I wish I wasn’t angry at you for flying.  I know you would never have flown if you thought it wasn’t safe.  But really, why fly at all.  Why put that risk when you had so many here that loved you and needed you.  Why fly at all?  I know you loved it, but it would be like me deciding to be a Nascar driver or something – why put yourself in harms way?  I wish I wasn’t angry about it but I am. 

I wish that you knew how hard we search for the plane that whole week.  I wish that I could have told you about how scary it was sliding down the mountain that was literally a cliff.  The bruises that covered my body, the jokes about me pumping on the mountain to keep my breast milk up for Kaden back home.  I wish that Kaden had been an easy baby so your few months with him had been easy.  I know all you wanted to do was hold him and nap with him like you did the other boys.  I have so many regrets and things that I wished I had said or done while you were still here.  I still can’t even fathom not being able to talk to you.  I wish that you knew how many times I picked up the phone to call you only to realize that you would never answer again.

I learned so much from you.  I learned how to be a good parent.  I learned how to recognize my weaknesses and learn from them. I have no idea how to take my hurts and sadness away and I don’t know how to let go of them.  I cry every single day on the way to or from work.  The stupidest things will remind me of you and how you will never be able to share them with me again.  I watch Kaden learn how to crawl and walk and remember how much you LOVED this age with the older boys and I get so angry and sad that you aren’t here to share this with me.

Truth be told I am SOOOOO mad that I have spent so much of my last baby’s life away from him dealing with the business world and working.  It wouldn’t be this way if you were here, or if you had just had a stupid life insurance policy so we didn’t have to worry about keeping the business going and profitable so that mom would be OK.  I hate that I have to be the one to sell you stupid motorcycles.  I hate that we have to sell them.  I hate that your Ferrari is sitting in the garage and every time I see it I remember that Lucas and Kaden never got their maiden voyage in it with you.  All the plans and dreams we had are gone.  I am so angry and bitter about it.  It just isn’t fair.  I could go on and on about all the things I hate.  Nothing is going to bring you back.  Nothing is going to give me that last chance to hug you and tell you goodbye.  I’ll never forget the last moments I spent with you.  What made you call me that night to take the boys for pizza?  You hated that place.  Yet you called and we dropped our plans because the boys wanted to see you before you went to Myrtle.  Why didn’t I hug you and hold on tight instead of a rushed hug and kiss on the cheek because Kaden was screaming his head off as usual. Why?

I don’t know how to say goodbye.  I never had to and I don’t want to.  I need to move on for Logan and the other boys, but I don’t know how.  I miss you so much that it physically hurts.  I love you so much daddy.  I miss you so much.  I said it at your funeral, I am who I am today because I had a father like you.  So I’ll get through, I always do.  Why? because as I have heard a million times, I’m strong, I’m just like my dad.  So I guess thank you for that. I miss you so much.

Love always,

Sissy

So, I have been taking Logan to a counselor to help deal with his grief and anger issues since my dad passed away...this week we had a homework assignment.  He had to write a letter answering questions she gave him...Here is the letter he came up with: (of course I got to help, that was fun)

Dear Pappy,

I am sad Pappy died.  Pappy meant a lot to me.  Pappy taught me how to walk.  I learned how to tie my shoe and Pappy let me tie his.  Pappy pushed me on the swing.  I helped Pappy build the mantel.  Pappy took me to Idlewild.  Pappy was very funny and he had spikey hair.  I loved him very much.  I will say goodbye by sending a copy of this letter on a balloon to heaven.  I wish Pappy knew I loved him more than he loved me.  If I could talk to him I would tell him that I miss you so much and I wish you didn’t die in the plane crash.  You taught me math, 180+8=188.  You helped me learn how to ride a bike.  You took me to school.  I am sad so to feel better I will be strong and cry.  I will talk about you to keep your memory alive. I will get all of my tears out and be strong so that I don’t hurt anymore.  I will think about you.  I miss you so much Pappy.

Love,

logan

I really, really hope it helped him....

Repeat

All I can think of is I just need to repeat my last post.  I really miss my dad.  It sucks.

I am having a serious soul searching dilema, I need to get out of dodge.  Everywhere I look I see him.  I know it will get easier and all that jazz but I honestly just am a terrible person in these parts.  I have no patience and I just cry at the drop of a hat.  It is supposed to get easier.  I think everyone is lying. 

Kaden's first birthday is coming up and all I can think about is how he won't be here for it.  How unfair for Kaden it is that he will never get to experience a Grammy and Pappy shopping trip on his birthday.  How I won't have a picture of dad with him blowing out his first birthday candle.  I could go on and on but all I do is cry. This sucks and is so unfair!