Today.

Sitting outside reflecting on what I saw tonight a lot of things made sense.  Listening to the woods, I heard a tree crackle and fall.  Wonder if no one was listening if it would have been heard?  That of course led to me to think of my dad and what he was feeling and thinking those last few seconds of his life.  When he realized that he didn't have a chance.  Or did he not realize it at all? Is it true he had spacial disorientation and felt like he was under control?  I can almost hear him calming Laura and Chas - yes, it's dark, yes we are having a bit of difficulty, but no worries, I've flown like this a million times.  I can hear Laura's chuckle.  I can hear Chas saying how pretty it is out in the dark, above the mountains.

At least that is what I like to imagine.  My nightmares tell me differently. My nightmares tell me he knew every second that this was it.  It was his time to go and for those brief moments that he knew they were doomed he realized all he was leaving behind.  The grandsons he'd never see grow up, his son he'd leave behind to fend for himself in a business that was overwhelming, his daughter who was dealing with a premature baby with major health issues, a stubborn 7 year old that fought tooth and nail, and his sweet Lucas who would always be heart broken and never really remember him.  Not to mention Zander and Ryan.  Then Kathi, his wife, he had just left her an hour ago.  She asked them to stay.  She had a huge hotel room, why fly late and fly right back tomorrow to get her? Chas had a meeting but who cares, it was a short meeting, why chance it.  Did he know that that was the last time he'd talk to her.  Did he care? What were his last thoughts?  Were they selfish?  Were they of regrets?  Did my dad die full of regrets because of his stubborn pride?  No one will ever know. 

Many say what is meant to be will - let it happen - but the truth is we make our own destinies, we make our own choices.  I chose for a very long time to live by his words "Smile and no one will know what you are thinking" far too long, if you ask me.  So I made choices.  Choices I will live by and not regret.  I don't want to die with regret.  But at some point, we all have regrets.  What we do with those is what defines us.  The choices we make define us.  No one can make us feel less unless we choose to let them.

So I choose to believe my dad had no idea what he was doing and leaving behind.  I choose to go forward and love my kids like no other.  Seeing them up there singing their songs and being so in to it and just absolutely loving life.  That is what I need to keep giving them.  Lucas asked me on the way home tonight if I thought pappy was watching him and so proud of him for doing so well at his first big thing.  He asked about others too, but he was pretty insistent when I wouldn't give him a direct answer.  I won't lie to my child and no, I do not think that Pappy is there watching.  No, I don't believe in God, no I don't believe in happily ever after, and Karma, and do good and good will come.  But I won't shatter my son's chance to make his own to choice to believe that or not.  So I answered him finally.  "Lucas, mommy doesn't always have to believe the exact same things as you.  Do I think that IF Pappy could see you, he would be proud of you? Yes, absolutely.  I do believe that he would be incredibly proud of you and Logan.  But I don't know if he can.  No one really knows.  You have to pick whether you believe it or not based on your own little mind that is growing so big."  His response?  "Hm, mommy, I think you are very smart.  If he could see me he would love me and be so proud.  It makes me very sad that he got to see Logan's stuff when he was five but isn't here to see me.  And he made Logan a snow Gorilla.  I wish he could do that for me, do you think you could try to make me one instead?" 

Yes my dear, a snow Gorilla you will have. 

Rambling.  Crying.  Sad.  Miss the only man I could ever count on - and what's bad, is I know there are times he lied to me.  And isn't around to explain to me why.  And he sure as hell isn't up there looking out for me.  I will hate him forever for that and love him in the same breath to the point that it physically hurts.  Some hurts are there forever and never fade.  It sucks.

December 3rd, 2013

This is what my life is:

A blurry picture of fun with my boys.  Logan insisting on taking a picture of "Super mom" And Kaden begging me to just hold him and drop the tree.  Lucas running around the fields with pure joy.  This is what unconditional love it.  Logan and Lucas and even Kaden, they do things wrong.  Really wrong.  Logan still doesn't care about school and fails nearly everything.  He fights me for homework, but I still love him and I still show him daily how important he is to me.  Lucas, man that kid can whine with the best of them and will throw temper tantrums like he is a toddler again at times, but I still love him and I still show him daily.  Kaden is just a bully - I work daily to show him the right ways.

But who defines love?  The dictionary says:

love

ləv/

noun

noun: love; plural noun: loves

1.

an intense feeling of deep affection.

I guess no one really does.  And the hurt that loving someone can cause, the doubt, the fear, it is at times overwhelming.  What happens when you love someone and they don't love you back? Or pretend to only to their benefit and the second you say anything that isn't completely positive they fight with hateful words. Realizing that nothing you do will ever be good enough.  That to me, is the opposite of love.  I will never show that to my children.  And I hope someday they are going to grow up and know what real love is and show the woman (or man) that they choose to love respect, honor and dignity.  Loving unconditionally is hard.  Loving without prior judgement is hard.  Loving after trust is broken is hard.  But in the end, if it is really love, love that should withstand anything, it works.  But only if it is really love for both parties.  That's the difficult part.

Love can't withstand broken trust when the person that broke the trust doesn't care.  No amount of caring or effort or hurt from the other will ever make a difference.  This is something I have long since learned.  Choices made for me.  Choices I make.  In the end, what matters is the person we love, the people we love, end up happy.  No matter how much it hurts US for them to get their.  That is unconditional.  

What I am also certain of, is sometimes, somethings, there is never, ever anything that can be done to change the opinion or thoughts of a jealous, coward.  Some people will always hide behind their own assumptions and accusations to justify their own faults.  Instead of living with it and the consequence and trying to fix things.  Hopefully I can teach the boys to love unconditionally, without being walked on, and to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes - live from them and work to fix them, not bury them and hope they are forgotten so they can do them again.

These boys - they deserve unconditional love.  They do not ever deserve to be hurt.  They don't deserve people that choose to come and go and attempt to blame others for their own choices.  I am angry, not for myself, but for my innocent babies.  Lesson Learned.  Very clearly. 

I often wonder, if there is a God and Heaven and if so is dad there, where is he? The boys calling out to missing pappy daily as we pass the cemetery - when will the actually pain stop?  Family feuds? I mean really, isn't there enough hate in the world? I think there is.  So when constant fighting no matter how hard you try to be different, when you are told time and time again you just aren't good enough, a list of how awful you are is endless.  The only thing to do is walk away and let that person be happy.  Deal with the pain and live life.  I have the kids to live life through, it is all I need.  I made the vow a year ago and I really should have stuck to it.  At one point, I actually thought my dad was sending me signs and signals and that what was meant to be was actually happening.  Just another farce I have come to learn.  The holiday season is to be full of happiness and delight and joy and love.  That is what I need to make sure the kids see and live.  So that is what I will do.  And as always, be strong and go forward.