Sitting outside reflecting on what I saw tonight a lot of things made sense. Listening to the woods, I heard a tree crackle and fall. Wonder if no one was listening if it would have been heard? That of course led to me to think of my dad and what he was feeling and thinking those last few seconds of his life. When he realized that he didn't have a chance. Or did he not realize it at all? Is it true he had spacial disorientation and felt like he was under control? I can almost hear him calming Laura and Chas - yes, it's dark, yes we are having a bit of difficulty, but no worries, I've flown like this a million times. I can hear Laura's chuckle. I can hear Chas saying how pretty it is out in the dark, above the mountains.
At least that is what I like to imagine. My nightmares tell me differently. My nightmares tell me he knew every second that this was it. It was his time to go and for those brief moments that he knew they were doomed he realized all he was leaving behind. The grandsons he'd never see grow up, his son he'd leave behind to fend for himself in a business that was overwhelming, his daughter who was dealing with a premature baby with major health issues, a stubborn 7 year old that fought tooth and nail, and his sweet Lucas who would always be heart broken and never really remember him. Not to mention Zander and Ryan. Then Kathi, his wife, he had just left her an hour ago. She asked them to stay. She had a huge hotel room, why fly late and fly right back tomorrow to get her? Chas had a meeting but who cares, it was a short meeting, why chance it. Did he know that that was the last time he'd talk to her. Did he care? What were his last thoughts? Were they selfish? Were they of regrets? Did my dad die full of regrets because of his stubborn pride? No one will ever know.
Many say what is meant to be will - let it happen - but the truth is we make our own destinies, we make our own choices. I chose for a very long time to live by his words "Smile and no one will know what you are thinking" far too long, if you ask me. So I made choices. Choices I will live by and not regret. I don't want to die with regret. But at some point, we all have regrets. What we do with those is what defines us. The choices we make define us. No one can make us feel less unless we choose to let them.
So I choose to believe my dad had no idea what he was doing and leaving behind. I choose to go forward and love my kids like no other. Seeing them up there singing their songs and being so in to it and just absolutely loving life. That is what I need to keep giving them. Lucas asked me on the way home tonight if I thought pappy was watching him and so proud of him for doing so well at his first big thing. He asked about others too, but he was pretty insistent when I wouldn't give him a direct answer. I won't lie to my child and no, I do not think that Pappy is there watching. No, I don't believe in God, no I don't believe in happily ever after, and Karma, and do good and good will come. But I won't shatter my son's chance to make his own to choice to believe that or not. So I answered him finally. "Lucas, mommy doesn't always have to believe the exact same things as you. Do I think that IF Pappy could see you, he would be proud of you? Yes, absolutely. I do believe that he would be incredibly proud of you and Logan. But I don't know if he can. No one really knows. You have to pick whether you believe it or not based on your own little mind that is growing so big." His response? "Hm, mommy, I think you are very smart. If he could see me he would love me and be so proud. It makes me very sad that he got to see Logan's stuff when he was five but isn't here to see me. And he made Logan a snow Gorilla. I wish he could do that for me, do you think you could try to make me one instead?"
Yes my dear, a snow Gorilla you will have.
Rambling. Crying. Sad. Miss the only man I could ever count on - and what's bad, is I know there are times he lied to me. And isn't around to explain to me why. And he sure as hell isn't up there looking out for me. I will hate him forever for that and love him in the same breath to the point that it physically hurts. Some hurts are there forever and never fade. It sucks.
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