December 3rd, 2013

This is what my life is:

A blurry picture of fun with my boys.  Logan insisting on taking a picture of "Super mom" And Kaden begging me to just hold him and drop the tree.  Lucas running around the fields with pure joy.  This is what unconditional love it.  Logan and Lucas and even Kaden, they do things wrong.  Really wrong.  Logan still doesn't care about school and fails nearly everything.  He fights me for homework, but I still love him and I still show him daily how important he is to me.  Lucas, man that kid can whine with the best of them and will throw temper tantrums like he is a toddler again at times, but I still love him and I still show him daily.  Kaden is just a bully - I work daily to show him the right ways.

But who defines love?  The dictionary says:

love

ləv/

noun

noun: love; plural noun: loves

1.

an intense feeling of deep affection.

I guess no one really does.  And the hurt that loving someone can cause, the doubt, the fear, it is at times overwhelming.  What happens when you love someone and they don't love you back? Or pretend to only to their benefit and the second you say anything that isn't completely positive they fight with hateful words. Realizing that nothing you do will ever be good enough.  That to me, is the opposite of love.  I will never show that to my children.  And I hope someday they are going to grow up and know what real love is and show the woman (or man) that they choose to love respect, honor and dignity.  Loving unconditionally is hard.  Loving without prior judgement is hard.  Loving after trust is broken is hard.  But in the end, if it is really love, love that should withstand anything, it works.  But only if it is really love for both parties.  That's the difficult part.

Love can't withstand broken trust when the person that broke the trust doesn't care.  No amount of caring or effort or hurt from the other will ever make a difference.  This is something I have long since learned.  Choices made for me.  Choices I make.  In the end, what matters is the person we love, the people we love, end up happy.  No matter how much it hurts US for them to get their.  That is unconditional.  

What I am also certain of, is sometimes, somethings, there is never, ever anything that can be done to change the opinion or thoughts of a jealous, coward.  Some people will always hide behind their own assumptions and accusations to justify their own faults.  Instead of living with it and the consequence and trying to fix things.  Hopefully I can teach the boys to love unconditionally, without being walked on, and to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes - live from them and work to fix them, not bury them and hope they are forgotten so they can do them again.

These boys - they deserve unconditional love.  They do not ever deserve to be hurt.  They don't deserve people that choose to come and go and attempt to blame others for their own choices.  I am angry, not for myself, but for my innocent babies.  Lesson Learned.  Very clearly. 

I often wonder, if there is a God and Heaven and if so is dad there, where is he? The boys calling out to missing pappy daily as we pass the cemetery - when will the actually pain stop?  Family feuds? I mean really, isn't there enough hate in the world? I think there is.  So when constant fighting no matter how hard you try to be different, when you are told time and time again you just aren't good enough, a list of how awful you are is endless.  The only thing to do is walk away and let that person be happy.  Deal with the pain and live life.  I have the kids to live life through, it is all I need.  I made the vow a year ago and I really should have stuck to it.  At one point, I actually thought my dad was sending me signs and signals and that what was meant to be was actually happening.  Just another farce I have come to learn.  The holiday season is to be full of happiness and delight and joy and love.  That is what I need to make sure the kids see and live.  So that is what I will do.  And as always, be strong and go forward.