The Title

The days that I sit and think about my dad, the family that is no longer - I look at things and wonder how a man that was the glue of this family could be gone.  Lucas today said to me "I wish Pappy wasn't killed, I miss him." It was the first time he used the word killed instead of died.  For some reason it cut straight through like a knife.  The people that have contacted me about the blog when I started it forever ago, they related to the story - losing a parent completely unexpected and completely irrational ways.  There is no rationalization but when Lucas said that this morning, on the bring of waking up after a short 20 minute stint of sleeping, I answered him how I never really thought of.  "You're right buddy, pappy was killed.  His plane killed him.  The incorrect weather report, not updated killed him.  But in the end, Pappy flew that plane.  He was in charge.  The unknown is always there.  He loved us and wouldn't have left us on purpose, but he is gone."  It is so definitive.  Death.  And what happens after?  If it weren't for the boys, I'd be finding out right now.  There really isn't anything here other than them. 

Their smiles and joy and hope within the world is the only thing here.  The family I once dreamed of is gone.  The close family ties, began to unravel with my dad's death, and I look around and wonder how the hell I ended up here.  Then I look around and see how much I have and have given and sacrificed and reflect on everything.  The only thing I come up with is I have to get the hell out of here.  I should have left years and years ago but the "close family ties" kept me here.  The thoughts of having the boys grow up with a close family, knowing their roots and heritage.  When really, all I did was trap myself here.  I got away from consistently blogging because I thought I was healing from my dad's death.  The only reason I started this.  To get things out that I have no one to talk to about.  I stopped writing because I had begun to really talk about it.  In a way I never wanted to.  Every turn, every reminder, I was able to say it.  Finally. 

Going through the West Virginia search, coming home to having to do press release and business dealings and having an infant - it got me through.  Then it slowed down.  And I was left to internalize and evaluate my life.  I made changes - changes I will never regret or question - but in that, well there's a lot there for another day, but what it truly showed me is,  the truth is, there is no healing.  And the downfall of all of that is, the emptiness it leaves.  I thought moving close to my mom, or the cemetery, or finally getting out from under and awful marriage, or finding love, or being what I thought was a good person, or getting through each day - any of it, I thought it would help.  The truth is though there really isn't happiness.  And not expressing the thoughts isn't really beneficial.  So, the personal journal I had been writing in periodically instead of on here has been burnt.  This blog will go by the way side.  I will beat down every day and continue through.  Each day never knowing what will happen.  Knowing that the only thing that is right is the kids.  Their hurt and anger and happiness and joy will give me strength to make sure I can make it.

I started to remember growing up the prayer and sayings that my dad raised me on.  I have been saying it constantly over the past few months - God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  It's on my moms fridge, never considered why or even really remembered it much.  Until recently.  With that prayer, realizing and accepting all I can't change and determining the difference - it's eye opening.  And heart breaking.

Dad's famous words - smile and no one will know what you are thinking - but dad, what happens when you can't even force a smile?  Wish he had answered that one. 

So I have my own new prayer that I have found and realized I believe is much better.  That is what I will say and end with.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

I wish dads death hadn't shake myself and my core belief's to the core.  Trust that if it is supposed to be it will.  Trust.  Trust.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

Grandma Visits

That close family that I grew up knowing and loving and relishing in - the one that I worked hard to maintain for the boys - I have come to realize that it no longer exists.  Visits with Grandma G have become more frequent, so at least that is good - but when dad died, the entire dynamic of my family, the family that I had grown to know and love, disappeared.  I've spent the past 10 years trying to ensure the boys know their ancestors and their living relatives - but honestly, for what?  I have been the one everyone calls for favors and help, yet most of the time when I ask, no one is there. Or if they are it's conditional and need my help in something else.  I have since slowed down being able to help everyone and what I have realized is, they no longer call.  For any reason.  So it is what it is.  The boys don't seem to mind and are doing well with it all - Gram gave me a picture of my grandfather the last time I was there to deliver her bread from Michigan and I look at it, and remember that he died not long after this picture - life is short.  He died young.  My dad died young.  I will die young.  Each day needs to be remembering that it could be the last.  My grandfather and waht appears to be Kaden......Only it's not.  Goodness did they look alike.

I need to get a picture of me holding Kaden just like this with his look he gives that is identical.  It is crazy to me how similar the features and faces are.  Love my little boy.

Birthdays for a Mom

Some how growing up birthdays were always so cool.  They meant you were a year older and it was something to celebrate and get super excited about.  As we get older we realize missed opportunities, life changes, body changes, health changes and missing people as we grow older.  I realize this year, birthdays for me, they're pretty depressing.  But I am incredibly lucky to have all three of my boys' birthdays very close in following mine.  Because birthdays as a mom takes on a whole new meaning.  It can become happy and exciting and a day, week, month to be celebrated.  Both older boys birthdays are in February (4th and 18th) throw in Valentine's Day and parties at their school for that and it is a crazy busy month full of life, laughter, love and watching joy through my babies eyes.

Lucas had his very first class party this past weekend in celebration of his 6th birthday.  I had forgotten the joy that you can see straight through the kids as they experience this.  It made me slowly remember what it was like when Logan experiences it four years earlier.  He was SO happy.  Beaming ear to ear as he ran around with his little friends.  And now this Friday I get to host 6 boys (9 and 10 years old) for a movie sleep over to celebrate Logan's 10th birthday.  Number one, seriously where has the time gone? Number two, Lord help me.  Taking volunteers for sure as I will be making three cakes that night for orders as well.

The point in all of this is birthdays as a mother are a whole new ballgame.   While on mine, I am sad and realizing life is slowly going past me and while I try to enjoy every moment, it really just isn't possible.  I am also able to recognize that the boys still see joy and happiness within their birthdays.  So excited.  Beaming with pride and the thought of growing up.  I want them to stay little forever but we all know that isn't possible.  For now, I hold on to the pictures of my babes happy and content and beaming with happiness.  Their happiness will bring me mine.  I believe that.

Wish my dad were here to celebrate.  Truthfully each year that passes, each birthday that passes, no one mentions how he would enjoy it or what he'd say or think and it is all in my head. Birthdays with the boys were always his favorite.  And Kaden will never experience it.  Kaden sure got the short end of the stick on far too many things.

Hard to believe this little boy:

Is now this big boy three years later:

Time should stop.  But until then I will take my mini me and all his beaming happiness and remember why I am here.

And remember how happy this guy was for all the parties.  His smile could light a room.  And I have his smile and so do my angels.

Notice the date.  Will be four years on Friday.