The Title

The days that I sit and think about my dad, the family that is no longer - I look at things and wonder how a man that was the glue of this family could be gone.  Lucas today said to me "I wish Pappy wasn't killed, I miss him." It was the first time he used the word killed instead of died.  For some reason it cut straight through like a knife.  The people that have contacted me about the blog when I started it forever ago, they related to the story - losing a parent completely unexpected and completely irrational ways.  There is no rationalization but when Lucas said that this morning, on the bring of waking up after a short 20 minute stint of sleeping, I answered him how I never really thought of.  "You're right buddy, pappy was killed.  His plane killed him.  The incorrect weather report, not updated killed him.  But in the end, Pappy flew that plane.  He was in charge.  The unknown is always there.  He loved us and wouldn't have left us on purpose, but he is gone."  It is so definitive.  Death.  And what happens after?  If it weren't for the boys, I'd be finding out right now.  There really isn't anything here other than them. 

Their smiles and joy and hope within the world is the only thing here.  The family I once dreamed of is gone.  The close family ties, began to unravel with my dad's death, and I look around and wonder how the hell I ended up here.  Then I look around and see how much I have and have given and sacrificed and reflect on everything.  The only thing I come up with is I have to get the hell out of here.  I should have left years and years ago but the "close family ties" kept me here.  The thoughts of having the boys grow up with a close family, knowing their roots and heritage.  When really, all I did was trap myself here.  I got away from consistently blogging because I thought I was healing from my dad's death.  The only reason I started this.  To get things out that I have no one to talk to about.  I stopped writing because I had begun to really talk about it.  In a way I never wanted to.  Every turn, every reminder, I was able to say it.  Finally. 

Going through the West Virginia search, coming home to having to do press release and business dealings and having an infant - it got me through.  Then it slowed down.  And I was left to internalize and evaluate my life.  I made changes - changes I will never regret or question - but in that, well there's a lot there for another day, but what it truly showed me is,  the truth is, there is no healing.  And the downfall of all of that is, the emptiness it leaves.  I thought moving close to my mom, or the cemetery, or finally getting out from under and awful marriage, or finding love, or being what I thought was a good person, or getting through each day - any of it, I thought it would help.  The truth is though there really isn't happiness.  And not expressing the thoughts isn't really beneficial.  So, the personal journal I had been writing in periodically instead of on here has been burnt.  This blog will go by the way side.  I will beat down every day and continue through.  Each day never knowing what will happen.  Knowing that the only thing that is right is the kids.  Their hurt and anger and happiness and joy will give me strength to make sure I can make it.

I started to remember growing up the prayer and sayings that my dad raised me on.  I have been saying it constantly over the past few months - God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  It's on my moms fridge, never considered why or even really remembered it much.  Until recently.  With that prayer, realizing and accepting all I can't change and determining the difference - it's eye opening.  And heart breaking.

Dad's famous words - smile and no one will know what you are thinking - but dad, what happens when you can't even force a smile?  Wish he had answered that one. 

So I have my own new prayer that I have found and realized I believe is much better.  That is what I will say and end with.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

I wish dads death hadn't shake myself and my core belief's to the core.  Trust that if it is supposed to be it will.  Trust.  Trust.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99