I wish I could read my son's mind. I really do. Last night was by far one of the most emotionally draining nights I have had in a very, very long time. I was trapped in a car with Logan for just over two hours on our way up to Indiana and back for his wrestling final weigh ins....I was excited about this time. I had figured out how to get him there, Lucas to hockey and Kaden taken care of. Some time with just Logan! That never happens....and I'm pretty sure I am going to try and avoid it happening again for a very long time. (It will, I'm just really not looking forward to more conversations such as this one)
Logan started out with "Mommy, do you think God made Pappy's plane crash because he had an important job for him in Heaven?"
Well Shit. Not the conversation I really wanted to have - I'm already doing all I can to keep my head above water in the depression area, don't really want to be doing this conversation....but he's a kid. And if it is confusing for me still, I can only imagine how it goes in his mind.
So, I'm honest. And I wish I could lie to him and say, YES buddy, that is truly what I believe. But with tears in my eyes and my voice cracking, I answer the kids as honestly as I can. I truly don't know buddy, I would really like to hope so. And because I think he is really 20, and I am horrible at hiding my voice cracking, and this question literally stopped me in my tracks, he says - I'm sorry I made you cry. *feeling like the worst mother ever at this point because I want, I NEED my children to know that they can talk to me about their hopes, fears, dreams without fear of making me sad...I move on to an even more brutally honest, heart wrenching statement.
"Logan, you need to know, no matter what, you can talk to me about what you are thinking. It may make me cry, it may make me laugh, but I can handle it and I am here for you."
"Well why do you cry then mom?"
Because buddy, it is normal. I'm sad. I hear you talk about Pappy and it melts my heart that you remember how much he loved you, how much he did for all of us. But it also makes me incredibly sad and breaks my heart that Pappy went to Heaven before your brothers' had that chance to get those concrete memories. You need to talk to me, always. That is what I am here for.
And then I asked a question I shouldn't have. I should have just let him ponder the thoughts and let it go. But I know he's sitting in his own thoughts, confused, so I ask, "Is there anything else you want to talk about buddy?"
No....well, mom, you really don't know when you are going to die? Holy crap. What the hell. Seriously? No. Not ready for this. Not ready for him to be old enough to think about this, or worry about this. And I'm not even remotely ready to think about not being here for him, being there to watch him and his brothers' grow up. But this is a reality. And this needs answered. Honestly.
So I do. While crying. No Logan, I can't answer that. No one can. It is a very, very scary thought. I hope with everything in me that I live a very, very long time and watch you guys grow up, and have your own families, and be there for you until I am very old. But I can't promise you that. All I can do is make sure every single day we are together you hear and know just how much I love you. And if something does happen, you need to have Faith that I am still with you. It isn't something that anyone knows for sure, that is why they call it Faith.
There were a lot more questions, and incredibly difficult answers in that two hours. And it did last the full two hours. I'm sure the wrestling weigh in peeps thought I was crazy because there was no doubt I was crying, but it doesn't matter.
Logan is growing up. This is the first of three times I am going to have to have this conversation. It isn't going to get any easier. I just truly hope I am around to give those answers to the other two when the time comes.
I think what was the hardest about the entire thing though was, bedtime came. They went to bed. All three of them. And I was left alone to replay that conversation over and over and over in my head. No surprise I didn't get any sleep.
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