Today.

Sitting outside reflecting on what I saw tonight a lot of things made sense.  Listening to the woods, I heard a tree crackle and fall.  Wonder if no one was listening if it would have been heard?  That of course led to me to think of my dad and what he was feeling and thinking those last few seconds of his life.  When he realized that he didn't have a chance.  Or did he not realize it at all? Is it true he had spacial disorientation and felt like he was under control?  I can almost hear him calming Laura and Chas - yes, it's dark, yes we are having a bit of difficulty, but no worries, I've flown like this a million times.  I can hear Laura's chuckle.  I can hear Chas saying how pretty it is out in the dark, above the mountains.

At least that is what I like to imagine.  My nightmares tell me differently. My nightmares tell me he knew every second that this was it.  It was his time to go and for those brief moments that he knew they were doomed he realized all he was leaving behind.  The grandsons he'd never see grow up, his son he'd leave behind to fend for himself in a business that was overwhelming, his daughter who was dealing with a premature baby with major health issues, a stubborn 7 year old that fought tooth and nail, and his sweet Lucas who would always be heart broken and never really remember him.  Not to mention Zander and Ryan.  Then Kathi, his wife, he had just left her an hour ago.  She asked them to stay.  She had a huge hotel room, why fly late and fly right back tomorrow to get her? Chas had a meeting but who cares, it was a short meeting, why chance it.  Did he know that that was the last time he'd talk to her.  Did he care? What were his last thoughts?  Were they selfish?  Were they of regrets?  Did my dad die full of regrets because of his stubborn pride?  No one will ever know. 

Many say what is meant to be will - let it happen - but the truth is we make our own destinies, we make our own choices.  I chose for a very long time to live by his words "Smile and no one will know what you are thinking" far too long, if you ask me.  So I made choices.  Choices I will live by and not regret.  I don't want to die with regret.  But at some point, we all have regrets.  What we do with those is what defines us.  The choices we make define us.  No one can make us feel less unless we choose to let them.

So I choose to believe my dad had no idea what he was doing and leaving behind.  I choose to go forward and love my kids like no other.  Seeing them up there singing their songs and being so in to it and just absolutely loving life.  That is what I need to keep giving them.  Lucas asked me on the way home tonight if I thought pappy was watching him and so proud of him for doing so well at his first big thing.  He asked about others too, but he was pretty insistent when I wouldn't give him a direct answer.  I won't lie to my child and no, I do not think that Pappy is there watching.  No, I don't believe in God, no I don't believe in happily ever after, and Karma, and do good and good will come.  But I won't shatter my son's chance to make his own to choice to believe that or not.  So I answered him finally.  "Lucas, mommy doesn't always have to believe the exact same things as you.  Do I think that IF Pappy could see you, he would be proud of you? Yes, absolutely.  I do believe that he would be incredibly proud of you and Logan.  But I don't know if he can.  No one really knows.  You have to pick whether you believe it or not based on your own little mind that is growing so big."  His response?  "Hm, mommy, I think you are very smart.  If he could see me he would love me and be so proud.  It makes me very sad that he got to see Logan's stuff when he was five but isn't here to see me.  And he made Logan a snow Gorilla.  I wish he could do that for me, do you think you could try to make me one instead?" 

Yes my dear, a snow Gorilla you will have. 

Rambling.  Crying.  Sad.  Miss the only man I could ever count on - and what's bad, is I know there are times he lied to me.  And isn't around to explain to me why.  And he sure as hell isn't up there looking out for me.  I will hate him forever for that and love him in the same breath to the point that it physically hurts.  Some hurts are there forever and never fade.  It sucks.

December 3rd, 2013

This is what my life is:

A blurry picture of fun with my boys.  Logan insisting on taking a picture of "Super mom" And Kaden begging me to just hold him and drop the tree.  Lucas running around the fields with pure joy.  This is what unconditional love it.  Logan and Lucas and even Kaden, they do things wrong.  Really wrong.  Logan still doesn't care about school and fails nearly everything.  He fights me for homework, but I still love him and I still show him daily how important he is to me.  Lucas, man that kid can whine with the best of them and will throw temper tantrums like he is a toddler again at times, but I still love him and I still show him daily.  Kaden is just a bully - I work daily to show him the right ways.

But who defines love?  The dictionary says:

love

ləv/

noun

noun: love; plural noun: loves

1.

an intense feeling of deep affection.

I guess no one really does.  And the hurt that loving someone can cause, the doubt, the fear, it is at times overwhelming.  What happens when you love someone and they don't love you back? Or pretend to only to their benefit and the second you say anything that isn't completely positive they fight with hateful words. Realizing that nothing you do will ever be good enough.  That to me, is the opposite of love.  I will never show that to my children.  And I hope someday they are going to grow up and know what real love is and show the woman (or man) that they choose to love respect, honor and dignity.  Loving unconditionally is hard.  Loving without prior judgement is hard.  Loving after trust is broken is hard.  But in the end, if it is really love, love that should withstand anything, it works.  But only if it is really love for both parties.  That's the difficult part.

Love can't withstand broken trust when the person that broke the trust doesn't care.  No amount of caring or effort or hurt from the other will ever make a difference.  This is something I have long since learned.  Choices made for me.  Choices I make.  In the end, what matters is the person we love, the people we love, end up happy.  No matter how much it hurts US for them to get their.  That is unconditional.  

What I am also certain of, is sometimes, somethings, there is never, ever anything that can be done to change the opinion or thoughts of a jealous, coward.  Some people will always hide behind their own assumptions and accusations to justify their own faults.  Instead of living with it and the consequence and trying to fix things.  Hopefully I can teach the boys to love unconditionally, without being walked on, and to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes - live from them and work to fix them, not bury them and hope they are forgotten so they can do them again.

These boys - they deserve unconditional love.  They do not ever deserve to be hurt.  They don't deserve people that choose to come and go and attempt to blame others for their own choices.  I am angry, not for myself, but for my innocent babies.  Lesson Learned.  Very clearly. 

I often wonder, if there is a God and Heaven and if so is dad there, where is he? The boys calling out to missing pappy daily as we pass the cemetery - when will the actually pain stop?  Family feuds? I mean really, isn't there enough hate in the world? I think there is.  So when constant fighting no matter how hard you try to be different, when you are told time and time again you just aren't good enough, a list of how awful you are is endless.  The only thing to do is walk away and let that person be happy.  Deal with the pain and live life.  I have the kids to live life through, it is all I need.  I made the vow a year ago and I really should have stuck to it.  At one point, I actually thought my dad was sending me signs and signals and that what was meant to be was actually happening.  Just another farce I have come to learn.  The holiday season is to be full of happiness and delight and joy and love.  That is what I need to make sure the kids see and live.  So that is what I will do.  And as always, be strong and go forward.

11/12/13

Really, really, really missing my dad right now.

And wondering why life choices get to be dictated by others.  That really bothers me.  My life is not the way I want it to be or thought it would be is a better way to word that, because of choices others made.  I think that's pretty damn unfair.  And hurtful.  But knowing life isn't fair, and people will always make their own selfish choices whether they directly effect others or not, is a part of life.

Sad today.  Sad a lot of days lately.  With my dad's death day anniversary, the burial anniversary, the holidays coming, Kaden making major life strides.  Logan and Lucas wanting to share things with him.  Taking the kids to the cemetery, it might just kill me inside.  But as always, I will smile.  I will struggle, but I will make it.

11/12/13.  What a neat date.  What a neat date to wake up and get ready for work.  Have a two year old poop out of his diaper with diarrhea and have to scrub him and the kitchen floor to be late for work.  What a day to realize that loving someone can't be a one way street and somethings will just never change.

Happiness.  Within myself and my children.  Always.

November 4, 2013

Sometimes, sitting and thinking and wondering kills a persons inside.  Most times, giving up and letting go is the most impossible thing to do to make sure that you can survive.  Figuring out where to go after dreams are shattered is the most difficult, confusing road you can possibly have to endeavor.  Hiding from it, running from it, pretending it's not true, will not do anything for anyone.  I still hide and pretend that someday my dad will be there for me.  How long will it take me to let that go? Who knows.  I do know that I am getting better at letting go after repeated disappointments. And repeated hurt. 

People project their anger at themselves to those they hurt, only doing further damage.  Why don't people realize that before it's too late.  When it is constantly pointed out.  Begging and pleading won't ever make a difference.  A person has to actually want what they say they want and act upon it.

Conversations my dad and I used to have included all of this.  Along with how to work on making my marriage work for the boys and for myself, even though he didn't agree with it in the first place.  I can hear the conversations we'd be having right now.  And, regardless of what happens going forward, he WOULD be proud of me.  For sticking up for myself, for not allowing myself to be lied to, disrespected.  But at the same time, allowing myself to be open to change instead of the paralyzing fear that kept me stuck.   I miss my dad.  The only person I've ever really been able to talk to.  And that is sad.  The missing my dad, and the fact that I feel like I haven't been able to ever talk to anyone else.  That needs to change. 

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Four more minutes of June 20th.  A day that for as long as I can remember, has been celebrated by more with vigor.  I loved your birthday.  I used to bake you cakes and your favorite cookies.  I loved you vigorously and never in a million years would have imagined not spending your day with you.  You on the other hand hated your birthday. LOL>  I remember you telling me a million times, it was just another day.  Just another day to add a year to your life.  I didn't get what you meant, when I was a kid.  I loved birthdays.  Mine, moms, Mike's, every birthday.  It was a wonderful day.  The day you entered the world and a day that checked off another 365 days you have presented the world with your presence.  Who wouldn't love a birthday??

But I now get it.  It really is just another day.  The boys absolutely loved sending balloons to heaven.  Logan can tell time now and decided that adults celebrate their birthdays at night, so we had to, absolutely had to, have our balloons sent to you by 4pm. That would give them at least 3 or 4 hours to get to heaven.  To be there for your party that we couldn't attend.  As Lucas said, even a rocketship couldn't get us there in time, and even if it could, Mommy couldn't afford it. LOL. Oh how those boys absolutely love and miss you.  Your hugs, your screaming goodbye to them as a competition to see who could hear who last, all of it dad.  They miss it all.

I, while I miss it too, I can't help but feel so incredibly angry that on this day, I can't celebrate with you.  I can't share with you all that you should be here to witness.  How selfish of me, right?? You are not here, and I am angry.  So stupid.

All I know is, on days like this.  Days that you should be here with us, days that I should be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, all I'm left with are tears  I cry for you, all that you miss, all that I want to share with you in person, all that the boys have to offer you, all that mom is desperately trying to hold on to, all the Mike is trying to keep going, all of it.  I just cry.

The only man, seriously, ONLY man, I could ever trust completely, never lied to me and was there without fail no matter what, is gone.  No little girl should be without their dad.  And truly, that is what I find myself feeling like daily anymore.  A little girl that is lost.  Nothing in my life ever seems to work out for my favor.  That seems so incredibly selfish.  I mean I have three wonderful, healthy little boys.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  But the innate fear I have of leaving them, showing them the loss of a parent I know, that I live with daily, is so incredibly overwhelming.  Those are incomplete sentences because my thoughts are incomplete.  Tonight I will write them more letters.  More letters that get locked away in the safety deposit box for just in case.  But what is so bad about that? The fact that I know, for a fact, that if something were to happen to me, they'd never see the letters.  The letters I write of thoughts, joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams that I have for them.  All because I chose a father for them.  Well I guess I didn't really choose.  God chose for me when against all odds I got pregnant with Logan.  And you said those fateful words to me.  Get married or get an abortion.  I chose life.  I chose Logan's life.  I will NEVER for a second regret that choice.  Nor will I regret my choice to do everything in my power to keep all of my children with the same father, or the choice to do everything I could to save my marriage.  But the fact is dad, you aren't here, I couldn't save a marriage that wasn't based on love, nor would I want to.  Then God, or you, or something unwilling, showed me what love really was.  And because of other choices that aren't in my power  -- I can't make that continue either.  How unfair is that?

So through all of this awesome nonsense, the end result is 14 minutes of typing ramblings.  Another day awaits me.  Another day of love for the boys will prevail.  Your birthday has come and gone without a hug from you.  I am getting used to it.  I didn't even cry as much as I thought I would.  I can't hear the sound of your voice anymore either though.  And that sucks.  I pull out videos and hear a voice in the background and it takes  minute to realize it is yours.  Is that you telling me to move forward and forget so I'm not sad, or is it my mind blocking the sadness because it simply cannot take anymore? Who knows.  Lord Knows I do not.  All I know is I love you and miss you terribly.  And this blog isn't doing anything to help me.  My thoughts are probably better kept to myself.

Father's Day

One of two days in June I used to love.  Now it is one of two days I dread.  Why do specific days like these seem so hard? It isn't like I don't know that I don't have a father anymore to celebrate with.  It is glaringly obvious.  But this year especially, it is just another day to remind me that the one man that I knew I could always count on isn't here for me.  The one man that would have never even considered lying to me or hurting me or not being there to catch my tears, is not here.  I would literally trade anything for one second with my dad today.  I need his hug more than anything in the world right now.  I'd like to think that there is a heaven, he's there and watching me, but with that I also hate that if he can and is, he has got to be hurting up there watching me cry for hours on end over him not being here. 

Today I have nothing.  My sons' are with their dad, my mom is at 7 springs enjoying her day, and I am here, sitting alone on my couch feeling more alone in this world than I ever thought possible.  But, I'll survive all of the tears.  I will sit here for hours on end crying and then my boys' will come home and they will remind me that life is worth living and smiling for.  Because no matter what is handed to me in this life, and what is taken away from me for no reason, the choice to move on and the choice to be happy is in my hands.

Unhappy

This past year has been incredibly unnerving to me.  Everything I had once believed in with my life diminished as quickly as it seemed to appear.  The days continually pass and I keep smiling and pressing on, but every day, literally every day, I find myself thinking and wondering what is the purpose.  Not just the purpose, or my purpose in life, but the purpose in pursuing happiness, the purpose in waking up, the purpose in going to work, the purpose in paying the bills....when in the end, the end result is always the same for everyone.

I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, suicidal by an stretch of the imagination, so don't think I'm going there.  I just think back to every time I would see my dad and tell him he was working too hard, going to kill himself with smoking, or whatever his vice was at the moment.  But then I'd look at him, and he was happy.  Truly happy.  Sure there were many, many issues in his life with the business and just life in general, but he was happy.  Anyone would ask him how he was doing and his response was always the same.  Just living the dream.  And he truly was.  He was at every sporting event of mine growing up no matter how busy or tired he was, and he continued that legacy with my oldest son and my oldest nephew.  I have no doubt in my mind he would have never missed a single event by any of the boys if he could help it.  But he couldn't help it.  He died.  He crashed his plane and died, and killed two people in the process.  The whole time searching for him it didn't make any sense.  He was the most careful person I know when it comes to others.  I never would have thought twice about trusting my kids' lives with him.  In his hands I knew they would be safe.  Yet, they wouldn't have been if I had let Logan go with him that weekend.  Or Lucas or Kaden for that matter.

I have no idea why he flew when reports say they said the weather was bad.  It makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever.  I was comforted by the fact that he didn't know what was going to happen and didn't have time to think about what was happening - but recordings say otherwise.  They have his voice saying he was hitting bad weather and in trouble.  I have no doubt he was doing whatever he could to get out of the situation - and reports show he was doing the right thing.  The altimeter froze and he didn't know he was literally flying straight in to the side of the mountain.  How unfair is that? He knew how to read the instruments and was nearly certified and would have been fine - but it froze.  I mean seriously, how fair is that?

June sucks.  It is his birthday and Father's Day.  Two days I without fail celebrated with him with love and care.  I never once thought about not being with him on these days - most certainly not when I was just hitting 30.  My life has had many, many twists and turns over the past year - I mean, I finally had enough nerve and sense to leave a man that I know had been cheating on me.  Of course I was in denial for a very long time and swore up and down it wasn't happening.  Hell I even told a few friends if I ever caught him I'd kill him.  And while saying it, in the back of my mind I knew it was happening.  So I went through a custody battle and divorce and it was just as I had expected, miserable.  I still love him and hate that my family is split apart - but what I hate most is that I can't have my dad to lean on during it.  Adult or not, that reality sucks.

I look at pictures of him and burst in to tears because it simply is not fair.  It is unimaginable that he isn't here with me.  The truth is, I live each day in fear I will leave my boys the way he left me.  To the point that in a lock box I have letters I wrote them each for all of the mile stones in their lives that God forbid I am not here for, they will have a piece of me on those days.  If that isn't morbid, I don't know what is.

I started writing this yesterday and rereading it, it is all over the map.  It probably doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't have to - I need to get better at venting my feelings - the counselor says so.  I apparently also need to learn to trust again - how does one do that?