Written last year around this time. From my journal on my computer:
July 17th I will be holding a baseball clinic, game and 5K run to try and raise money for a scholarship fund for my dad, Laura and Chas. In their memory. It's with the Potter Baseball tour - which is a really, really great thing. I know all of this. Yet the days keep coming and the event day is closer and I just keep procrastinating on everything. The memories this riles up - it is supposed to be good, helpful almost. But so far, it isn't. I'm caught in the days passing, flying even, by. Caught in people that care about me wanting to help, yet me not being able to willingly accept it because, it would makes others be bothered. Family drama, drama with my kids, drama with the man I love. There is seriously so much drama, I can't really handle it. I know I am not going to want to do this next year, but I will. Because, how can I not now. The first one hasn't even passed. I know the issues that will come up. They are inevitable. I know I can't avoid them. I am so damn sick of trying so hard to please everyone. In the end, there isn't pleasing everyone - and at some point, you have to wake up and realize that people that are supposed to love and support you and care about you, or not supposed to, but you want them to so damn bad - you just can't will someone to do that.
A small piece of that journal entry. I can feel the pain and hurt from so many angles as I read it again today. As I did the last few days. And here i am again - the weekend of the event. This year other things added to it, with a softball tournament, a new location, more concessions, a host of new issues. I am just constantly on the run. And I love it. Because I can without a doubt make it through if I do not have to think. Come Sunday, July 13th, however, when this is all over, I will be gone. At least until August 16th when I'm forced to go back to work. This place isn't for me. Never was. I should have never come here.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
The Title
The days that I sit and think about my dad, the family that is no longer - I look at things and wonder how a man that was the glue of this family could be gone. Lucas today said to me "I wish Pappy wasn't killed, I miss him." It was the first time he used the word killed instead of died. For some reason it cut straight through like a knife. The people that have contacted me about the blog when I started it forever ago, they related to the story - losing a parent completely unexpected and completely irrational ways. There is no rationalization but when Lucas said that this morning, on the bring of waking up after a short 20 minute stint of sleeping, I answered him how I never really thought of. "You're right buddy, pappy was killed. His plane killed him. The incorrect weather report, not updated killed him. But in the end, Pappy flew that plane. He was in charge. The unknown is always there. He loved us and wouldn't have left us on purpose, but he is gone." It is so definitive. Death. And what happens after? If it weren't for the boys, I'd be finding out right now. There really isn't anything here other than them.
Their smiles and joy and hope within the world is the only thing here. The family I once dreamed of is gone. The close family ties, began to unravel with my dad's death, and I look around and wonder how the hell I ended up here. Then I look around and see how much I have and have given and sacrificed and reflect on everything. The only thing I come up with is I have to get the hell out of here. I should have left years and years ago but the "close family ties" kept me here. The thoughts of having the boys grow up with a close family, knowing their roots and heritage. When really, all I did was trap myself here. I got away from consistently blogging because I thought I was healing from my dad's death. The only reason I started this. To get things out that I have no one to talk to about. I stopped writing because I had begun to really talk about it. In a way I never wanted to. Every turn, every reminder, I was able to say it. Finally.
Going through the West Virginia search, coming home to having to do press release and business dealings and having an infant - it got me through. Then it slowed down. And I was left to internalize and evaluate my life. I made changes - changes I will never regret or question - but in that, well there's a lot there for another day, but what it truly showed me is, the truth is, there is no healing. And the downfall of all of that is, the emptiness it leaves. I thought moving close to my mom, or the cemetery, or finally getting out from under and awful marriage, or finding love, or being what I thought was a good person, or getting through each day - any of it, I thought it would help. The truth is though there really isn't happiness. And not expressing the thoughts isn't really beneficial. So, the personal journal I had been writing in periodically instead of on here has been burnt. This blog will go by the way side. I will beat down every day and continue through. Each day never knowing what will happen. Knowing that the only thing that is right is the kids. Their hurt and anger and happiness and joy will give me strength to make sure I can make it.
I started to remember growing up the prayer and sayings that my dad raised me on. I have been saying it constantly over the past few months - God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. It's on my moms fridge, never considered why or even really remembered it much. Until recently. With that prayer, realizing and accepting all I can't change and determining the difference - it's eye opening. And heart breaking.
Dad's famous words - smile and no one will know what you are thinking - but dad, what happens when you can't even force a smile? Wish he had answered that one.
So I have my own new prayer that I have found and realized I believe is much better. That is what I will say and end with.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
I wish dads death hadn't shake myself and my core belief's to the core. Trust that if it is supposed to be it will. Trust. Trust.
Their smiles and joy and hope within the world is the only thing here. The family I once dreamed of is gone. The close family ties, began to unravel with my dad's death, and I look around and wonder how the hell I ended up here. Then I look around and see how much I have and have given and sacrificed and reflect on everything. The only thing I come up with is I have to get the hell out of here. I should have left years and years ago but the "close family ties" kept me here. The thoughts of having the boys grow up with a close family, knowing their roots and heritage. When really, all I did was trap myself here. I got away from consistently blogging because I thought I was healing from my dad's death. The only reason I started this. To get things out that I have no one to talk to about. I stopped writing because I had begun to really talk about it. In a way I never wanted to. Every turn, every reminder, I was able to say it. Finally.
Going through the West Virginia search, coming home to having to do press release and business dealings and having an infant - it got me through. Then it slowed down. And I was left to internalize and evaluate my life. I made changes - changes I will never regret or question - but in that, well there's a lot there for another day, but what it truly showed me is, the truth is, there is no healing. And the downfall of all of that is, the emptiness it leaves. I thought moving close to my mom, or the cemetery, or finally getting out from under and awful marriage, or finding love, or being what I thought was a good person, or getting through each day - any of it, I thought it would help. The truth is though there really isn't happiness. And not expressing the thoughts isn't really beneficial. So, the personal journal I had been writing in periodically instead of on here has been burnt. This blog will go by the way side. I will beat down every day and continue through. Each day never knowing what will happen. Knowing that the only thing that is right is the kids. Their hurt and anger and happiness and joy will give me strength to make sure I can make it.
I started to remember growing up the prayer and sayings that my dad raised me on. I have been saying it constantly over the past few months - God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. It's on my moms fridge, never considered why or even really remembered it much. Until recently. With that prayer, realizing and accepting all I can't change and determining the difference - it's eye opening. And heart breaking.
Dad's famous words - smile and no one will know what you are thinking - but dad, what happens when you can't even force a smile? Wish he had answered that one.
So I have my own new prayer that I have found and realized I believe is much better. That is what I will say and end with.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
I wish dads death hadn't shake myself and my core belief's to the core. Trust that if it is supposed to be it will. Trust. Trust.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Grandma Visits
That close family that I grew up knowing and loving and relishing in - the one that I worked hard to maintain for the boys - I have come to realize that it no longer exists. Visits with Grandma G have become more frequent, so at least that is good - but when dad died, the entire dynamic of my family, the family that I had grown to know and love, disappeared. I've spent the past 10 years trying to ensure the boys know their ancestors and their living relatives - but honestly, for what? I have been the one everyone calls for favors and help, yet most of the time when I ask, no one is there. Or if they are it's conditional and need my help in something else. I have since slowed down being able to help everyone and what I have realized is, they no longer call. For any reason. So it is what it is. The boys don't seem to mind and are doing well with it all - Gram gave me a picture of my grandfather the last time I was there to deliver her bread from Michigan and I look at it, and remember that he died not long after this picture - life is short. He died young. My dad died young. I will die young. Each day needs to be remembering that it could be the last. My grandfather and waht appears to be Kaden......Only it's not. Goodness did they look alike.
I need to get a picture of me holding Kaden just like this with his look he gives that is identical. It is crazy to me how similar the features and faces are. Love my little boy.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Birthdays for a Mom
Some how growing up birthdays were always so cool. They meant you were a year older and it was something to celebrate and get super excited about. As we get older we realize missed opportunities, life changes, body changes, health changes and missing people as we grow older. I realize this year, birthdays for me, they're pretty depressing. But I am incredibly lucky to have all three of my boys' birthdays very close in following mine. Because birthdays as a mom takes on a whole new meaning. It can become happy and exciting and a day, week, month to be celebrated. Both older boys birthdays are in February (4th and 18th) throw in Valentine's Day and parties at their school for that and it is a crazy busy month full of life, laughter, love and watching joy through my babies eyes.
Lucas had his very first class party this past weekend in celebration of his 6th birthday. I had forgotten the joy that you can see straight through the kids as they experience this. It made me slowly remember what it was like when Logan experiences it four years earlier. He was SO happy. Beaming ear to ear as he ran around with his little friends. And now this Friday I get to host 6 boys (9 and 10 years old) for a movie sleep over to celebrate Logan's 10th birthday. Number one, seriously where has the time gone? Number two, Lord help me. Taking volunteers for sure as I will be making three cakes that night for orders as well.
The point in all of this is birthdays as a mother are a whole new ballgame. While on mine, I am sad and realizing life is slowly going past me and while I try to enjoy every moment, it really just isn't possible. I am also able to recognize that the boys still see joy and happiness within their birthdays. So excited. Beaming with pride and the thought of growing up. I want them to stay little forever but we all know that isn't possible. For now, I hold on to the pictures of my babes happy and content and beaming with happiness. Their happiness will bring me mine. I believe that.
Wish my dad were here to celebrate. Truthfully each year that passes, each birthday that passes, no one mentions how he would enjoy it or what he'd say or think and it is all in my head. Birthdays with the boys were always his favorite. And Kaden will never experience it. Kaden sure got the short end of the stick on far too many things.
Hard to believe this little boy:
Is now this big boy three years later:
Time should stop. But until then I will take my mini me and all his beaming happiness and remember why I am here.
And remember how happy this guy was for all the parties. His smile could light a room. And I have his smile and so do my angels.
Notice the date. Will be four years on Friday.
Lucas had his very first class party this past weekend in celebration of his 6th birthday. I had forgotten the joy that you can see straight through the kids as they experience this. It made me slowly remember what it was like when Logan experiences it four years earlier. He was SO happy. Beaming ear to ear as he ran around with his little friends. And now this Friday I get to host 6 boys (9 and 10 years old) for a movie sleep over to celebrate Logan's 10th birthday. Number one, seriously where has the time gone? Number two, Lord help me. Taking volunteers for sure as I will be making three cakes that night for orders as well.
The point in all of this is birthdays as a mother are a whole new ballgame. While on mine, I am sad and realizing life is slowly going past me and while I try to enjoy every moment, it really just isn't possible. I am also able to recognize that the boys still see joy and happiness within their birthdays. So excited. Beaming with pride and the thought of growing up. I want them to stay little forever but we all know that isn't possible. For now, I hold on to the pictures of my babes happy and content and beaming with happiness. Their happiness will bring me mine. I believe that.
Wish my dad were here to celebrate. Truthfully each year that passes, each birthday that passes, no one mentions how he would enjoy it or what he'd say or think and it is all in my head. Birthdays with the boys were always his favorite. And Kaden will never experience it. Kaden sure got the short end of the stick on far too many things.
Hard to believe this little boy:
Is now this big boy three years later:
Friday, January 3, 2014
Happy New Year...or not.
2014 - Welcome. Haha. Not so much. Another year. Another day. Another work day. Another snow storm. Another driveway to shovel.
2014 will be about logging 1000 miles run. 30 pounds lost. Happiness found. Making the most out of every laughter my boys' exclaim.
Lucas wants to become a hockey pro - so ice skating weekly will happen.
Logan wants to travel with me. LOL, oh no kid, you have no idea. Your mother used to pack up and leave in the middle of the night for a trip because she was bored! You do not have a clue how much traveling I will make happen in your near future.
Kaden - well, let's conquer peeing on the potty, then we can aspire dreams.
What I won't do? Fall in to the depression that is nagging at me every time I sit to breath. The tears that come out of no where and I can't explain. The hurt that is there underlying constantly, it will eventually go away and if not, like everything else, I will learn to live with it.
This is for me. This is for me. 2014. Finally - no is the new word to anything that isn't for me or the boys. End. Of. Story.
2014 will be about logging 1000 miles run. 30 pounds lost. Happiness found. Making the most out of every laughter my boys' exclaim.
Lucas wants to become a hockey pro - so ice skating weekly will happen.
Logan wants to travel with me. LOL, oh no kid, you have no idea. Your mother used to pack up and leave in the middle of the night for a trip because she was bored! You do not have a clue how much traveling I will make happen in your near future.
Kaden - well, let's conquer peeing on the potty, then we can aspire dreams.
What I won't do? Fall in to the depression that is nagging at me every time I sit to breath. The tears that come out of no where and I can't explain. The hurt that is there underlying constantly, it will eventually go away and if not, like everything else, I will learn to live with it.
This is for me. This is for me. 2014. Finally - no is the new word to anything that isn't for me or the boys. End. Of. Story.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Today.
Sitting outside reflecting on what I saw tonight a lot of things made sense. Listening to the woods, I heard a tree crackle and fall. Wonder if no one was listening if it would have been heard? That of course led to me to think of my dad and what he was feeling and thinking those last few seconds of his life. When he realized that he didn't have a chance. Or did he not realize it at all? Is it true he had spacial disorientation and felt like he was under control? I can almost hear him calming Laura and Chas - yes, it's dark, yes we are having a bit of difficulty, but no worries, I've flown like this a million times. I can hear Laura's chuckle. I can hear Chas saying how pretty it is out in the dark, above the mountains.
At least that is what I like to imagine. My nightmares tell me differently. My nightmares tell me he knew every second that this was it. It was his time to go and for those brief moments that he knew they were doomed he realized all he was leaving behind. The grandsons he'd never see grow up, his son he'd leave behind to fend for himself in a business that was overwhelming, his daughter who was dealing with a premature baby with major health issues, a stubborn 7 year old that fought tooth and nail, and his sweet Lucas who would always be heart broken and never really remember him. Not to mention Zander and Ryan. Then Kathi, his wife, he had just left her an hour ago. She asked them to stay. She had a huge hotel room, why fly late and fly right back tomorrow to get her? Chas had a meeting but who cares, it was a short meeting, why chance it. Did he know that that was the last time he'd talk to her. Did he care? What were his last thoughts? Were they selfish? Were they of regrets? Did my dad die full of regrets because of his stubborn pride? No one will ever know.
Many say what is meant to be will - let it happen - but the truth is we make our own destinies, we make our own choices. I chose for a very long time to live by his words "Smile and no one will know what you are thinking" far too long, if you ask me. So I made choices. Choices I will live by and not regret. I don't want to die with regret. But at some point, we all have regrets. What we do with those is what defines us. The choices we make define us. No one can make us feel less unless we choose to let them.
So I choose to believe my dad had no idea what he was doing and leaving behind. I choose to go forward and love my kids like no other. Seeing them up there singing their songs and being so in to it and just absolutely loving life. That is what I need to keep giving them. Lucas asked me on the way home tonight if I thought pappy was watching him and so proud of him for doing so well at his first big thing. He asked about others too, but he was pretty insistent when I wouldn't give him a direct answer. I won't lie to my child and no, I do not think that Pappy is there watching. No, I don't believe in God, no I don't believe in happily ever after, and Karma, and do good and good will come. But I won't shatter my son's chance to make his own to choice to believe that or not. So I answered him finally. "Lucas, mommy doesn't always have to believe the exact same things as you. Do I think that IF Pappy could see you, he would be proud of you? Yes, absolutely. I do believe that he would be incredibly proud of you and Logan. But I don't know if he can. No one really knows. You have to pick whether you believe it or not based on your own little mind that is growing so big." His response? "Hm, mommy, I think you are very smart. If he could see me he would love me and be so proud. It makes me very sad that he got to see Logan's stuff when he was five but isn't here to see me. And he made Logan a snow Gorilla. I wish he could do that for me, do you think you could try to make me one instead?"
Yes my dear, a snow Gorilla you will have.
Rambling. Crying. Sad. Miss the only man I could ever count on - and what's bad, is I know there are times he lied to me. And isn't around to explain to me why. And he sure as hell isn't up there looking out for me. I will hate him forever for that and love him in the same breath to the point that it physically hurts. Some hurts are there forever and never fade. It sucks.
At least that is what I like to imagine. My nightmares tell me differently. My nightmares tell me he knew every second that this was it. It was his time to go and for those brief moments that he knew they were doomed he realized all he was leaving behind. The grandsons he'd never see grow up, his son he'd leave behind to fend for himself in a business that was overwhelming, his daughter who was dealing with a premature baby with major health issues, a stubborn 7 year old that fought tooth and nail, and his sweet Lucas who would always be heart broken and never really remember him. Not to mention Zander and Ryan. Then Kathi, his wife, he had just left her an hour ago. She asked them to stay. She had a huge hotel room, why fly late and fly right back tomorrow to get her? Chas had a meeting but who cares, it was a short meeting, why chance it. Did he know that that was the last time he'd talk to her. Did he care? What were his last thoughts? Were they selfish? Were they of regrets? Did my dad die full of regrets because of his stubborn pride? No one will ever know.
Many say what is meant to be will - let it happen - but the truth is we make our own destinies, we make our own choices. I chose for a very long time to live by his words "Smile and no one will know what you are thinking" far too long, if you ask me. So I made choices. Choices I will live by and not regret. I don't want to die with regret. But at some point, we all have regrets. What we do with those is what defines us. The choices we make define us. No one can make us feel less unless we choose to let them.
So I choose to believe my dad had no idea what he was doing and leaving behind. I choose to go forward and love my kids like no other. Seeing them up there singing their songs and being so in to it and just absolutely loving life. That is what I need to keep giving them. Lucas asked me on the way home tonight if I thought pappy was watching him and so proud of him for doing so well at his first big thing. He asked about others too, but he was pretty insistent when I wouldn't give him a direct answer. I won't lie to my child and no, I do not think that Pappy is there watching. No, I don't believe in God, no I don't believe in happily ever after, and Karma, and do good and good will come. But I won't shatter my son's chance to make his own to choice to believe that or not. So I answered him finally. "Lucas, mommy doesn't always have to believe the exact same things as you. Do I think that IF Pappy could see you, he would be proud of you? Yes, absolutely. I do believe that he would be incredibly proud of you and Logan. But I don't know if he can. No one really knows. You have to pick whether you believe it or not based on your own little mind that is growing so big." His response? "Hm, mommy, I think you are very smart. If he could see me he would love me and be so proud. It makes me very sad that he got to see Logan's stuff when he was five but isn't here to see me. And he made Logan a snow Gorilla. I wish he could do that for me, do you think you could try to make me one instead?"
Yes my dear, a snow Gorilla you will have.
Rambling. Crying. Sad. Miss the only man I could ever count on - and what's bad, is I know there are times he lied to me. And isn't around to explain to me why. And he sure as hell isn't up there looking out for me. I will hate him forever for that and love him in the same breath to the point that it physically hurts. Some hurts are there forever and never fade. It sucks.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
December 3rd, 2013
This is what my life is:
A blurry picture of fun with my boys. Logan insisting on taking a picture of "Super mom" And Kaden begging me to just hold him and drop the tree. Lucas running around the fields with pure joy. This is what unconditional love it. Logan and Lucas and even Kaden, they do things wrong. Really wrong. Logan still doesn't care about school and fails nearly everything. He fights me for homework, but I still love him and I still show him daily how important he is to me. Lucas, man that kid can whine with the best of them and will throw temper tantrums like he is a toddler again at times, but I still love him and I still show him daily. Kaden is just a bully - I work daily to show him the right ways.
But who defines love? The dictionary says:
What I am also certain of, is sometimes, somethings, there is never, ever anything that can be done to change the opinion or thoughts of a jealous, coward. Some people will always hide behind their own assumptions and accusations to justify their own faults. Instead of living with it and the consequence and trying to fix things. Hopefully I can teach the boys to love unconditionally, without being walked on, and to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes - live from them and work to fix them, not bury them and hope they are forgotten so they can do them again.
But who defines love? The dictionary says:
love
ləv/
noun
noun: love; plural noun: loves
1.
an intense feeling of deep affection.
I guess no one really does. And the hurt that loving someone can cause, the doubt, the fear, it is at times overwhelming. What happens when you love someone and they don't love you back? Or pretend to only to their benefit and the second you say anything that isn't completely positive they fight with hateful words. Realizing that nothing you do will ever be good enough. That to me, is the opposite of love. I will never show that to my children. And I hope someday they are going to grow up and know what real love is and show the woman (or man) that they choose to love respect, honor and dignity. Loving unconditionally is hard. Loving without prior judgement is hard. Loving after trust is broken is hard. But in the end, if it is really love, love that should withstand anything, it works. But only if it is really love for both parties. That's the difficult part.
Love can't withstand broken trust when the person that broke the trust doesn't care. No amount of caring or effort or hurt from the other will ever make a difference. This is something I have long since learned. Choices made for me. Choices I make. In the end, what matters is the person we love, the people we love, end up happy. No matter how much it hurts US for them to get their. That is unconditional.
What I am also certain of, is sometimes, somethings, there is never, ever anything that can be done to change the opinion or thoughts of a jealous, coward. Some people will always hide behind their own assumptions and accusations to justify their own faults. Instead of living with it and the consequence and trying to fix things. Hopefully I can teach the boys to love unconditionally, without being walked on, and to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes - live from them and work to fix them, not bury them and hope they are forgotten so they can do them again.
These boys - they deserve unconditional love. They do not ever deserve to be hurt. They don't deserve people that choose to come and go and attempt to blame others for their own choices. I am angry, not for myself, but for my innocent babies. Lesson Learned. Very clearly.
I often wonder, if there is a God and Heaven and if so is dad there, where is he? The boys calling out to missing pappy daily as we pass the cemetery - when will the actually pain stop? Family feuds? I mean really, isn't there enough hate in the world? I think there is. So when constant fighting no matter how hard you try to be different, when you are told time and time again you just aren't good enough, a list of how awful you are is endless. The only thing to do is walk away and let that person be happy. Deal with the pain and live life. I have the kids to live life through, it is all I need. I made the vow a year ago and I really should have stuck to it. At one point, I actually thought my dad was sending me signs and signals and that what was meant to be was actually happening. Just another farce I have come to learn. The holiday season is to be full of happiness and delight and joy and love. That is what I need to make sure the kids see and live. So that is what I will do. And as always, be strong and go forward.
I often wonder, if there is a God and Heaven and if so is dad there, where is he? The boys calling out to missing pappy daily as we pass the cemetery - when will the actually pain stop? Family feuds? I mean really, isn't there enough hate in the world? I think there is. So when constant fighting no matter how hard you try to be different, when you are told time and time again you just aren't good enough, a list of how awful you are is endless. The only thing to do is walk away and let that person be happy. Deal with the pain and live life. I have the kids to live life through, it is all I need. I made the vow a year ago and I really should have stuck to it. At one point, I actually thought my dad was sending me signs and signals and that what was meant to be was actually happening. Just another farce I have come to learn. The holiday season is to be full of happiness and delight and joy and love. That is what I need to make sure the kids see and live. So that is what I will do. And as always, be strong and go forward.
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