Time

That is all.  Time.  Measure anything by time and you can find something to hold on to or to let go of.  A week ago today.  That's the last time I was happy.  Or thought I was.  A week from now, I will be 34.  A week from that it will be 2015.  Time passes whether we want it to or not.  The old saying, Time is on your side....was one of my dad's favorite phrases.  Since that dream/nightmare, he's been in my head every single night as I try to sleep.  Tic toc tic toc....the big grandfather clock that was always at the bottom of the stairs....I can hear it and he's standing next to it.  Weirdest crap ever.  What is my mind trying to tell me? No idea.  Weird.  Last night he was back to screaming he is right in front of me while I started saying tic toc tic toc.  I think I'm losing my mind.  2014 is almost over.  Was supposed to be a good year. 

Finally.....or not?

I'm sick.  Like my body aches and stuffy nose, load up on Dayquil to make it sick.  It's pretty horrible.  But helping with the whole no smoking thing.  I'm on day 8 or 9 of that.  I've lost count.  I'm not longer a smoker and don't even really think about it except in extremely stressful moments.  Looking forward to not using the patch any longer now that habits are broken.  But anyway, the really point to this post is my dad.  Being sick, I fell asleep around 6:15 last night, woke up around 8:30, put my kiddos to bed (relax they were with their dad until 8:30)  Then I was still tired and so freaking achy but I could not fall asleep.  I think I kept dozing off but just SO miserable.  The last time I looked at the clock it was 4am.

At 6 am my alarm woke me up.

Sometime in that time period - 4am - 6am, for the first time in over three years, I saw my dad in a dream.  The nightmares I had had previously, he was never in them, it was the plane crash, the search, the site, grotesque findings and such, never him.

Not last night - or this morning.  It was him.  I was standing in front of him screaming and crying.  I can't remember my words.  But his I will never forget.  "I am right here sissy.  Look at me.  I'm standing and I'm fine. You're not listening to me.  Listen Kristi Eileen, I am RIGHT HERE.  I AM STANDING AND I AM FINE."   That is what he said to me over and over and over.  And I am right here saying that I am going to fully believe that it was him that came and let me know finally that he, his spirit, is OK.  Could be my mind, could be the Dayquil, could be a million things, or not a single thing.  I am going to choose to believe that it was him telling me he was fine.  That is my choice.

The Patch :-)

My dad was a frequent smoker.  I remember for YEARS my mom trying to get him to quit.  She would quit for a little while and then start again...it was a pretty bad cycle.  I never wanted to be like that.  I was always one to quit instantly when pregnant and then start right back up as soon as I was done breastfeeding.  Why quit for so long just to start again?  Sure there are a ton of excuses I could give - stress, life, a few minutes away, but really, in the end, it is just BAD.  And I know this.  And for two straight years I have said I HAVE to quit.  Then a few weeks ago, Lucas asked me when I would quit for him.  For some reason, that one struck a chord.  He was noticing.  Then Kaden pretended to Smoke.  Seriously, what am I teaching them?  For a long time many different people have told me I should quit.  I would laugh and joke and say I'm not a quitter.  I saw my parents do the seesaw of quit, start, quit, start - I didn't want that.  Truth is - quitting is scary for me.  Excuses are endless.  I don't handle stress well.  And I'm under a ton of stress.  Work, home, kids, friends, family, the list is endless.  But, today I popped that patch on and I can't smoke.  I'm stuck at work, having a pretty craptastic day and I canNOT smoke.  Literally can cause me to go in to immediate cardiac arrest.  So - I'm typing.  This morning when I needed one desperately, I went to the basement and got on the treadmill.  I just did sit ups on my classroom floor.  My options to distract are limited and I feel trapped.  But, in the end, this too shall pass.  So, Day 1.  Just over 12 hours since my last cigarette.....Damn that seems like a freaking eternity.......No one could make this decision for me or give me enough reasons to quit or not to quit.  So, my decision, is to quit.  And to stay a quitter.  At this.  And I am going to make a damn good quitter.

Halloween....

Logan woke up this morning so incredibly excited realizing that Halloween was this week.  He began telling stories as Kaden and Lucas woke up.  It was nearly 6:30 and I had already ran 7 miles on the treadmill, lifted, cleaned and had breakfast cooked (the awesomeness of insomnia!) He was in the middle of a story about the one time that Pappy and Grammy came to hand out candy at our old house and he was SO scary!

It was the first time I remembered my dad ever dressing up for Halloween.  And it is a memory that is apparently going to carry on forever in my baby's mind.  That and how much he wished pappy had done it again after that.

That year, my mom and dad were going to a party after, but they had always come to my house to hand out candy so I could take the boys trick or treating and still have candy at my house.  This particular year, dad was elated that one child made the trek up our cul-d-sac road.  (actually he was annoyed he didn't just go trick or treating with us.) 

So anyway, we are getting ready to go, and there is a knock at the door.  Of course Logan (almost 5 at the time) goes RUNNING to get it because PAPPY IS HERE!!!!!!....except my dad looked like the grim reaper....or something.  And he wasn't talking.  He was DEAD silent - Logan kept saying, "Pappy, is that you??" Then Logan backed up....far...and Pappy just slowly, very slowly taking one step forward.  One after another.  I started to get scared.  My mom wasn't visible and I was starting to freak out we opened the door to a lunatic expecting my dad.  It felt like an eternity, Logan because crying, I was freaking out and picked up the phone to call 911, Lucas (just under 1) was absolutely terrified crawling/screaming away. 

That man let this go on until I had almost completely dialed 911, the boys and I had ran to the "big" room and slammed the door (which of course didn't shut/lock properly) my back was pressed against it....And then I hear the voice "HAHA Kristi Eileen you are so incredibly gulible.  Kris, get out here, open the door and let Pappy hug the boys!!"  I swear - it's funny now, but in that moment, going from happy dad was there to scared literally shitless to relieve in a matter of minutes. 

But the boys loved it.  Well Logan.  Lucas still doesn't remember it, but will pretend he does.  Like he does with most of the stories about Pappy.  Kaden and Lucas will tell stories.  Lucas more so.  "remember that time" well no, buddy, I don't because it didn't happen.  But I don't say that.  I just repeat, Pappy loved us all very much.  And he absolutely LOVED Halloween.  Miss him almost more than anything in this world. 

Different Meaning

Words have a different meaning lately.  You look for that one reason to keep holding on to something or someone, looking for a meaning or a reason to things.  The truth is, the statement "everything happens for a reason" has always been a line of crap to me.  Things happen because of actions or reactions.  So, when the reason isn't easily shown, your mind works wonders in coming up with a reason.  Those reasons are sometimes true and sometimes not.  But, who is to say what is true or not true.

That's my rambling journal entry from almost two months ago.  Weird it popped up today while having a conversation with my brother.  I know you read this sometimes big brother - so please know, you stopping by tonight and being with me, meant the world.  And you don't know what you prevented me from doing.  That hug and I love you, and the sincerity of it, was needed more than you can possibly imagine.  Do it again sometime :-)

Another.....

I was browsing Facebook yesterday and realized I had missed a post my cousin (Tara) had posted last Friday.  I'm glad I missed it.  Because it would have just made me even more angry and sad.  My dad's death made me question everything I used to believe in with faith, God, life after death, etc.  I had always hoped, believed, that loved ones do look after each other when they pass.  What I didn't realize was they pick and choose I guess.

Friday night, Senior night at Leechburg.  Leechburg WON the game.  Score of 61 to 25.  Why is this important?  Oh, well Leechburg typically sucks, let alone to score THAT many points.  What is 61?  The number my dad wore all 4 years he played, starred, on the Leechburg football team.  Everyone posting about how nice is was Uncle Mike was there to support Tara, blah blah blah.  Hey dad, thanks for being here or showing me any sort of support when you know if you were living I'd be leaning on you the most.  Thanks for waiting a week for me to see the post, and hurt even more. 

So, another case of, I may look like him.  I may act like him.  I may have needed him and trusted in him.  But I am NOT him.  And I will never get to say half of what needs to say.  I will always have unanswered questions.  He's the lucky one.  Whether there is a heaven or not, whether there is an after life or not.  He is the lucky one.  Not here to see the family that isn't a family anymore.  The hatred.  The fighting.  Everyone looking at me to be the glue because I am "just like him"  Odd how my mom doesn't even want to be around me and only wants to find comfort in stuff that isn't a reminder of him.  And THAT includes me.  Seems I am the only thing or person that is the problem.  I accept it. It is what it is and what it will always be.

Title

Over the past few days I have had some time to talk to family that I have not had the chance to in a long time, visit with my grandma and see my mentor through high school.  It leaves for a lot of reflecting.  And pain.  And realization that when I titled my blog, some day some how family - in my world there would be a family again.  The truth of the matter is, family is what you make of it.  Will I ever have the extended family that we had when my dad was alive? No.  I will not.  That is a fact.  Will I ever have the nuclear family of mom, dad and kids living under the same roof? No.  But the boys and I are a family.  And we will make it.  Some how, some way.

Back at It.

Living.  Functioning.  Every day is a struggle. Then I look at them.  See their hurt.  And my blind anger kicks in and gets me through the day.  One day, I will wake up and the hurt won't be there and it will be a huge weight lifted off of me.  September 21st.  Three years ago, my dad was a live, my parents were happy, the family wasn't torn apart at the seams.  Life was pretty good and what wasn't good was easily defrayed by all the good.  How is it now that what little good there is is defrayed by the constant not so good.  There has to be a turning point coming up soon.  There has to be.

Letting Go.

The problem with the pain of losing someone is figuring out how to let go.  It's been nearly three years since my dad and I had our last conversation, the last time I saw him.  Yet, I still wake up with terrible nightmares from it.  I was on vacation with my boys over the past few weeks, one of our stops was the National Air and Space Museum.....while walking through there I swear I saw my dad.  Brought me chills and tears like you wouldn't believe.  Scared my oldest because he couldn't figure out why I was literally stuck in time.  I couldn't move.  The side/back of that man's face and body - the way he walked - it drew my attention and it took all I had not to go running and crying to him.  It's like that so many times.  I've realized I will never have closure with losing him.  I will never see his lifeless body to prove to my forever inquisitive mind that he is truly gone.  So how will I let go?  The same way I will let go of many things - knowing they won't be - know I can't force something.  The constant emptiness and hurt inside has to stop. 

So how do you let go of what you never thought you would have to?  If anyone has that answer - I would love the advice.  Because I need to let go.  The nightmares would stop for a while.  Comforted by what I thought would keep me comforted forever.  Nothing is forever is a lie.  This emptiness and pain.  The loss of a loved one - through death or otherwise - that is forever.  Or so it seems now.  So live off of the words my dad made me live by - Smile and no one knows what you are thinking.  Except he was wrong, it doesn't take a rocket scientist or a homeless guy off the street to see the emptiness in my eyes and the constant pain and hurt and loss.

But doing what I do best keeps it all going.  Smile, force myself to laugh, enjoy every second possible with the boys and keep on going through each and every day.  Stop staring at the phone hoping it is all a bad dream and eventually the phone will ring and tell me that.  I know that it won't.  It never will.

That last conversation

I should be writing about the benefit for my dad, Laura and Chas that was held this past weekend, but I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet - Sitting up late at night, not able to sleep and I put on the Bachelorette.  It's the episode with Andi, where she finds out that one of the men she sent home died in an accident.  And now at almost one am I am sitting here crying my eyes out.  Her phrase "that was my last conversation with him"

For whatever reason all it made me think of was my last conversations with my dad.  So I'm sobbing.  Because it actually took me a minute to remember.  It hasn't even been 3 years and I am already forgetting.  So I'm documenting it.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011.  My dad hated Pizza Hut buffet.  But knew I loved it.  Back then they had a dinner buffet every Wednesday.  Several times I'd text or call him to let him know that I was going if he wanted to join the boys and I.  He hadn't been able to in the past.  For whatever reason, he called me that Wednesday and said he had my nephews and was going to take them - could I bring the boys.  Kaden (5 months old at the time) was so fussy, but we were already in the car, and I wanted to see my dad.  Hell, maybe I just wanted a break, I wanted Kaden to bond with my dad so, so badly.  He was the only grandchild that wouldn't just sleep on my dads chest and I knew, even though he'd never say it, bothered him.

He spent so much time with Kaden.  Tried to help me so much, knowing how alone I felt, yet Kaden wanted NOTHING other than me.  So we went.

I remember during dinner, Kaden stayed in his car seat - all the boys were loud and rambunctious and enjoying their time with Pappy.  It was Lucas's first experience with desert pizza, and he loved it. In retrospect, it was an awesome hour and a half.  At the time I was stressed and trying to enjoy it and relax.  I'll never forget the goodbye.  It was the last time I saw my dad.  It wasn't the last conversation - but it was the last time he held me in his arms in his big bear hug saying goodbye.  I will never forget it.  I buckled all the kids in the car and he got my nephews in his car.  And stood by my driver's side door waiting to hug me.  I thanked him for dinner and told him how much I loved him.  And said goodbye.  The last time I saw my dad was September 28, 2011.  That Thursday and Friday I was at my parents house but our paths didn't cross.

Some how that day, that conversation, to me is the last.  In reality, I spoke with him on the phone when he was in Myrtle Beach -stupid stuff, how is Kaden, how is Jesse (their dog that was staying with us) it couldn't have been more than a 3 minute conversation.  How could I have let that last true time I talk to him pass without any real meaning.  And how in the world can I forget his words from that day.  I don't get it.  I never will.  I miss my dad.  I hurt constantly from it.  I'm not learning to deal with it.  And I hate it.  Alone all of the time and I will forever blame him for leaving me stranded in this world.  But will always love him and thank him for that Wednesday night.  How the stars crossed and lined up perfectly to make us be able to be together that night.

I love you dad.

Living the Dream

Written last year around this time.  From my journal on my computer:

July 17th I will be holding a baseball clinic, game and 5K run to try and raise money for a scholarship fund for my dad, Laura and Chas.  In their memory.  It's with the Potter Baseball tour - which is a really, really great thing.  I know all of this.  Yet the days keep coming and the event day is closer and I just keep procrastinating on everything.  The memories this riles up - it is supposed to be good, helpful almost.  But so far, it isn't.  I'm caught in the days passing, flying even, by.  Caught in people that care about me wanting to help, yet me not being able to willingly accept it because, it would makes others be bothered.  Family drama, drama with my kids, drama with the man I love.  There is seriously so much drama, I can't really handle it.  I know I am not going to want to do this next year, but I will.  Because, how can I not now.  The first one hasn't even passed.  I know the issues that will come up.  They are inevitable.  I know I can't avoid them.  I am so damn sick of trying so hard to please everyone.  In the end, there isn't pleasing everyone - and at some point, you have to wake up and realize that people that are supposed to love and support you and care about you, or not supposed to, but you want them to so damn bad - you just can't will someone to do that. 


A small piece of that journal entry.  I can feel the pain and hurt from so many angles as I read it again today.  As I did the last few days.  And here i am again - the weekend of the event.  This year other things added to it, with a softball tournament, a new location, more concessions, a host of new issues.  I am just constantly on the run.  And I love it.  Because I can without a doubt make it through if I do not have to think.  Come Sunday, July 13th, however, when this is all over, I will be gone.  At least until August 16th when I'm forced to go back to work.  This place isn't for me.  Never was.  I should have never come here.

The Title

The days that I sit and think about my dad, the family that is no longer - I look at things and wonder how a man that was the glue of this family could be gone.  Lucas today said to me "I wish Pappy wasn't killed, I miss him." It was the first time he used the word killed instead of died.  For some reason it cut straight through like a knife.  The people that have contacted me about the blog when I started it forever ago, they related to the story - losing a parent completely unexpected and completely irrational ways.  There is no rationalization but when Lucas said that this morning, on the bring of waking up after a short 20 minute stint of sleeping, I answered him how I never really thought of.  "You're right buddy, pappy was killed.  His plane killed him.  The incorrect weather report, not updated killed him.  But in the end, Pappy flew that plane.  He was in charge.  The unknown is always there.  He loved us and wouldn't have left us on purpose, but he is gone."  It is so definitive.  Death.  And what happens after?  If it weren't for the boys, I'd be finding out right now.  There really isn't anything here other than them. 

Their smiles and joy and hope within the world is the only thing here.  The family I once dreamed of is gone.  The close family ties, began to unravel with my dad's death, and I look around and wonder how the hell I ended up here.  Then I look around and see how much I have and have given and sacrificed and reflect on everything.  The only thing I come up with is I have to get the hell out of here.  I should have left years and years ago but the "close family ties" kept me here.  The thoughts of having the boys grow up with a close family, knowing their roots and heritage.  When really, all I did was trap myself here.  I got away from consistently blogging because I thought I was healing from my dad's death.  The only reason I started this.  To get things out that I have no one to talk to about.  I stopped writing because I had begun to really talk about it.  In a way I never wanted to.  Every turn, every reminder, I was able to say it.  Finally. 

Going through the West Virginia search, coming home to having to do press release and business dealings and having an infant - it got me through.  Then it slowed down.  And I was left to internalize and evaluate my life.  I made changes - changes I will never regret or question - but in that, well there's a lot there for another day, but what it truly showed me is,  the truth is, there is no healing.  And the downfall of all of that is, the emptiness it leaves.  I thought moving close to my mom, or the cemetery, or finally getting out from under and awful marriage, or finding love, or being what I thought was a good person, or getting through each day - any of it, I thought it would help.  The truth is though there really isn't happiness.  And not expressing the thoughts isn't really beneficial.  So, the personal journal I had been writing in periodically instead of on here has been burnt.  This blog will go by the way side.  I will beat down every day and continue through.  Each day never knowing what will happen.  Knowing that the only thing that is right is the kids.  Their hurt and anger and happiness and joy will give me strength to make sure I can make it.

I started to remember growing up the prayer and sayings that my dad raised me on.  I have been saying it constantly over the past few months - God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  It's on my moms fridge, never considered why or even really remembered it much.  Until recently.  With that prayer, realizing and accepting all I can't change and determining the difference - it's eye opening.  And heart breaking.

Dad's famous words - smile and no one will know what you are thinking - but dad, what happens when you can't even force a smile?  Wish he had answered that one. 

So I have my own new prayer that I have found and realized I believe is much better.  That is what I will say and end with.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

I wish dads death hadn't shake myself and my core belief's to the core.  Trust that if it is supposed to be it will.  Trust.  Trust.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protestant/Addiction/Serenity-Prayer.aspx#QdiQbH92TJkFdS6x.99

Grandma Visits

That close family that I grew up knowing and loving and relishing in - the one that I worked hard to maintain for the boys - I have come to realize that it no longer exists.  Visits with Grandma G have become more frequent, so at least that is good - but when dad died, the entire dynamic of my family, the family that I had grown to know and love, disappeared.  I've spent the past 10 years trying to ensure the boys know their ancestors and their living relatives - but honestly, for what?  I have been the one everyone calls for favors and help, yet most of the time when I ask, no one is there. Or if they are it's conditional and need my help in something else.  I have since slowed down being able to help everyone and what I have realized is, they no longer call.  For any reason.  So it is what it is.  The boys don't seem to mind and are doing well with it all - Gram gave me a picture of my grandfather the last time I was there to deliver her bread from Michigan and I look at it, and remember that he died not long after this picture - life is short.  He died young.  My dad died young.  I will die young.  Each day needs to be remembering that it could be the last.  My grandfather and waht appears to be Kaden......Only it's not.  Goodness did they look alike.

I need to get a picture of me holding Kaden just like this with his look he gives that is identical.  It is crazy to me how similar the features and faces are.  Love my little boy.

Birthdays for a Mom

Some how growing up birthdays were always so cool.  They meant you were a year older and it was something to celebrate and get super excited about.  As we get older we realize missed opportunities, life changes, body changes, health changes and missing people as we grow older.  I realize this year, birthdays for me, they're pretty depressing.  But I am incredibly lucky to have all three of my boys' birthdays very close in following mine.  Because birthdays as a mom takes on a whole new meaning.  It can become happy and exciting and a day, week, month to be celebrated.  Both older boys birthdays are in February (4th and 18th) throw in Valentine's Day and parties at their school for that and it is a crazy busy month full of life, laughter, love and watching joy through my babies eyes.

Lucas had his very first class party this past weekend in celebration of his 6th birthday.  I had forgotten the joy that you can see straight through the kids as they experience this.  It made me slowly remember what it was like when Logan experiences it four years earlier.  He was SO happy.  Beaming ear to ear as he ran around with his little friends.  And now this Friday I get to host 6 boys (9 and 10 years old) for a movie sleep over to celebrate Logan's 10th birthday.  Number one, seriously where has the time gone? Number two, Lord help me.  Taking volunteers for sure as I will be making three cakes that night for orders as well.

The point in all of this is birthdays as a mother are a whole new ballgame.   While on mine, I am sad and realizing life is slowly going past me and while I try to enjoy every moment, it really just isn't possible.  I am also able to recognize that the boys still see joy and happiness within their birthdays.  So excited.  Beaming with pride and the thought of growing up.  I want them to stay little forever but we all know that isn't possible.  For now, I hold on to the pictures of my babes happy and content and beaming with happiness.  Their happiness will bring me mine.  I believe that.

Wish my dad were here to celebrate.  Truthfully each year that passes, each birthday that passes, no one mentions how he would enjoy it or what he'd say or think and it is all in my head. Birthdays with the boys were always his favorite.  And Kaden will never experience it.  Kaden sure got the short end of the stick on far too many things.

Hard to believe this little boy:

Is now this big boy three years later:

Time should stop.  But until then I will take my mini me and all his beaming happiness and remember why I am here.

And remember how happy this guy was for all the parties.  His smile could light a room.  And I have his smile and so do my angels.

Notice the date.  Will be four years on Friday. 

Happy New Year...or not.

2014 - Welcome.  Haha.  Not so much.  Another year.  Another day.  Another work day.  Another snow storm.  Another driveway to shovel. 

2014 will be about logging 1000 miles run.  30 pounds lost.  Happiness found.  Making the most out of every laughter my boys' exclaim. 

Lucas wants to become a hockey pro - so ice skating weekly will happen.

Logan wants to travel with me.  LOL, oh no kid, you have no idea.  Your mother used to pack up and leave in the middle of the night for a trip because she was bored! You do not have a clue how much traveling I will make happen in your near future.

Kaden - well, let's conquer peeing on the potty, then we can aspire dreams.

What I won't do? Fall in to the depression that is nagging at me every time I sit to breath.  The tears that come out of no where and I can't explain.  The hurt that is there underlying constantly, it will eventually go away and if not, like everything else, I will learn to live with it.

This is for me.  This is for me.  2014.  Finally - no is the new word to anything that isn't for me or the boys.  End. Of. Story.